Harry Potter Abridged! HBP Chapter 30

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Soon Hogwarts is swarming with people who want to pay respects to Dumbledore]

Harry: Even those awful Ministry heads are here! Eew! Sooner or later they’re going to want to know the truth about Dumbledore!

[Meanwhile, Bill has recovered and still has his old personality]

Fleur: I am so glad none of us have to go out of our way to make accommodations for you, dear!

Bill: True Gryffindors never suffer lasting consequences other than death!

Ginny: Here, here!

Harry: For what it’s worth, Ginny, I still agree with you that Fleur is a stupid, ugly slut!

Ginny: Oh, good! We truly are made for each other!

Hermione: Snape appears to have disappeared, you know. I’ve been looking through the paper but there’s no sign of him.

Harry: I can’t believe that evil monster Snape got away with killing Dumbledore! It’s not faaaaaair! How could Dumbledore trust a man who would do this to him?!

Hermione: Yes, yes—but you know what I did find out?

Harry: What?

Hermione: Eileen Prince was Snape’s mother! She married a muggle, hence why he’s a Half-Blood Prince!

Harry: Oh! That makes so much sense! No wonder he was such a fine catch for Voldemort—both of them were ashamed of their heritage and so wanted to play up the bit that was magical and special! So in conclusion, Dumbledore was much too naïve to trust him and should have dismissed him as a second Voldemort! [Pauses] And to think I benefited from his spells!

Hermione: Well, in your defense, our friends have done worse than the worst spells that appeared in that book.

Harry: That’s true. But still—Snape invented them! AAAAAAGH!

[Draco is gone now, and Snape’s place is taken by Scrimgeour and Percy]

Harry: You know, I suddenly realized that Draco might actually have been something of a victim in all this, and not the evil monster I initially expected he would be! Wow! What a revelation!

[One day after breakfast, McGonagall and the other heads of house escort the students to Dumbledore’s funeral, where pretty much every major character and group we have ever seen in the series is present.]

Harry: It looks like Umbridge is here! Disgusting! How on earth could the Ministry think to bring her here?!

Umbridge: [to Fudge and Scrimgeour] Why do we have to be here? It’s not like any of us liked Dumbledore.

Fudge: Silence—I need this last opportunity for screen time.

Scrimgeour: And I need an excuse to stalk the Chosen One some more.

[Hagrid lays Dumbledore’s body on the table, while Grawp looks on, wearing an oversized outfit]

Grawp: I gave up giant college for this?

[An old man says a few words of respect, and then the table transforms into a tomb]

Harry: And look—even the centaurs and merpeople have come to pay their respects!

[The centaurs fire arrows into the air and the merpeople sing]

Centaurs: Alright, we’ve done our piece. Let’s go back into the woods where we can forget that horrible man ever existed.

Merpeople: That horrible man is gone! Let’s go back under the water and celebrate!

[They both disappear to their respective habitats]

[After the funeral, Harry goes to find Ginny]

Harry: Ginny, Ginny! I just thought I’d let you know that we can’t be together!

Ginny: What? I broke up with Dean Thomas and did everything to show myself as your ideal wife and now you’re telling me we can’t be together?!

Harry: Well…yes…but…it’s Voldemort, see! I don’t want Voldemort to try to hurt you, and if we were together he would!

Ginny: Well…alright, then, you go off and fight Voldemort, if that’s what makes you happy. But I think we will get married.

Harry: We shall see.

[Just then, Scrimgeour approaches]

Scrimgeour: Harry, Harry!

Harry: Oh, it’s you! Get away from me!

Scrimgeour: I’m unarmed.

Harry: Is that so? [Draws wand] In that case, take this! [Zaps Scrimgeour] And that! [Zaps Scrimgeour again] And another one! [Zaps Scrimgeour a third time]

Scrimgeour: Ow…that really hurts….

Harry: That’s for trying to get between me and my angel Dumbledore! Now go away or I shall zap you a fourth time! [Brandishes wand]

Scrimgeour: Just hear me out! I just wanted to say that I regret Dumbledore’s death very much!

Harry: Oh, you do, do you? I don’t believe that. You’re obviously trying to manipulate me.

Scrimgeour: Well…can you at least tell me what happened when you and he left the castle earlier? And where you were during the battle?

Harry: No way! That’s for Dumbledore and me to know and nobody else!

Scrimgeour: But Dumbledore is dead.

Harry: Dumbledore will never be gone! He’s too important! I know he’ll reappear in the last book to tell me what to do and think all over again!

Scrimgeour: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA! You believe that?! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Dumbledore is dead, and as we all well know no spell can reawaken the dead! [Falls over laughing]

Harry: You don’t understand—Dumbledore is a Mary Sue! He’ll find a way!

Scrimgeour: [Still rolling on the ground laughing] BAHAHAHAHAHA! Dumbledore back from the dead! Harry you are the most hilarious Chosen One that has ever been!

Harry: Hmph! You just don’t understand the greatness of Dumbledore! Get out of my sight, you peasant—I have better things to do than share space with your uselessness!

[Percy escorts Scrimgeour away]

Ron: How dare that Percy help such a stupid, annoying Minister! I ought to hit him!

Hermione: No, don’t go near them. You’ll catch their uselessness. [Pause] Oh, wait—you’re already useless! So useless you couldn’t land a blow on him even if you wanted to! Ahaha!

Ron: So…what will we do if Hogwarts closes?

Harry: Well, we’ll just have to take this series on the road, won’t we?

Hermione: What?

Harry: Yeah! I’m not coming back next year! Instead I’ll be devoting all my time to hunting down those Horcruxes and destroying Voldemort! That’s what Dumbledore would have wanted!

Ron: Awesome! We’ll be with you all the way!

Harry: Oh, no, no. This is something I’ve got to do by myself.

Hermione: Harry, be realistic. You’re a completely weak, useless wizard. You’ll need me to keep you on the straight and narrow and do your thinking for you.

Ron: Yeah, and me too!

Harry: Oh, you are right. You can come too. But just you, alright?

Ron: Don’t forget to join us for the wedding!

Harry: Of course, of course! I couldn’t possibly stay with my stupid muggle relatives all summer, now could I?

Ron: Then it’s decided. See you in the very last book!

Harry: Yes!

Comments

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

[The centaurs fire arrows into the air and the merpeople sing]

Centaurs: Alright, we’ve done our piece. Let’s go back into the woods where we can forget that horrible man ever existed.

Merpeople: That horrible man is gone! Let’s go back under the water and celebrate!

No doubt the merpeople were singing, "Ding, Dong, the [Wizard's] Dead." Since the magical people in this series are like stereotypical ugly Americans (arrogant, self-centered, and uncaring about foreign cultures or languages), they'd never know the difference.

Harry: Oh, no, no. This is something I’ve got to do by myself.

Hermione: Harry, be realistic. You’re a completely weak, useless wizard. You’ll need me to keep you on the straight and narrow and do your thinking for you.

If only someone the narrative voice considers worth listening to (i.e., besides Snape) had actually said this in the books. Rowling seems not to have realized that everything Snape said about Harry being lazy, incompetent, excessively dependent on his friends, and succeeding only through luck turned out to be true. He was the real Seer of Hogwarts!

BTW, there's a wonderful new WIP called A Prince Rising, by Syl, on FFN. In it, Severus leaves Britain for his last year of school and gets a scholarship to a magical school in Salem, Mass.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

[The centaurs fire arrows into the air and the merpeople sing]

For all the wizards know, the firing of arrows is what centaurs do to celebrate the death of an enemy.

both of them were ashamed of their heritage and so wanted to play up the bit that was magical and special!

But calling himself a Half-blood is not hiding the fact one of his parents is a muggle.

Harry: But if we’re not together, he’ll leave you alone, even though everyone knows that we were dating, your parents are members of the Order and known blood traitors, and your brother is my best friend. Because…

So true, it makes absolutely no sense for the DE not to grab Arthur and question him about Harry as soon as he set foot in the ministry.

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

For all the wizards know, the firing of arrows is what centaurs do to celebrate the death of an enemy.

LOL, that's possible. I thought of what I'm sure Rowling intended me to: the 21-gun salute given at military funerals.

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Harry: Well…yes…but…it’s Voldemort, see! I don’t want Voldemort to try to hurt you, and if we were together he would!/

Harry: But if we’re not together, he’ll leave you alone, even though everyone knows that we were dating, your parents are members of the Order and known blood traitors, and your brother is my best friend. Because…

/Harry: No way! That’s for Dumbledore and me to know and nobody else!/

Harry: Because making it so that only two people know important information is a surefire way to win a war!

/Instead I’ll be devoting all my time to hunting down those Horcruxes and destroying Voldemort!/

And many H/D fans thought, “Well, Draco certainly can’t go back to school next year either, so surely Draco and Harry will run into each other at some point and learn to work together! :D”

Oh, well. At least they got their Broom Flight of Love. ;)

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

I've actually begun to warm up to the idea of H/D recently, mostly because I'm sick of seeing Draco treated as a prop both in and out of canon.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Better Drarry than Snarry.

[snapes-witch.livejournal.com]

God yes!!

[oryx_leucoryx]

Nah, every ship is better with Severus in it.

Of course there is the Severus-Draco-Harry threesome, very hot and popular.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

My main problem with Snarry is that, even when Harry is forty and Severus is sixty, it will STILL be pedophilia.

[oryx_leucoryx]

I don't see how that works. A relationship between legal adults where neither is in position of authority over the other is just a relationship. It can have its complications like any other relationship, but I don't see how it falls under pedophilia.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

I'm just snarking on how Harry never seems to grow up.

[oryx_leucoryx]

But his fanfic version might. Because some fanfic writers do better characterization than Rowling.

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

I'm currently reading a fic called "The Never-ending Road" by "laventadorn" on fanfiction dot net. It features a genderflipped fem!Harry (called "Harriet" or "Hollyberry" in the fic) and starts from her second year. It's an 87-chapter WIP and still going strong. And believe me, this fic's characterization is FABULOUS.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Hollyberry? Holly-effing-berry???

I hate it when characters are given idiotic, unnatural names.

Not your fault, of course. You didn't name her.

(Excerpt from Chapter XX "Dog Days of Summer, Part 1")

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

Please don't be scared away because of that. :P

I wanted to leave it entirely spoiler-free, but now it seems it's better to clear things up: in this AU, back when the Potters were expecting a baby...

(*Lupin's Inner Monologue)

Her name should have been Holly. Harry for a boy, Holly for a girl. Lily and James had decided it, after eight months of bickering that everyone had known was really an expression of love, elation and fear. They'd decided on the names only two days before labor had set in and terrified them all. But when the baby had been born, Lily had burst into tears and wept that she just didn't feel like a Holly. So they'd named her Harriet instead.

Remus and Sirius had said the name was too dowdy and old-fashioned. "She'll never get a date with a name like bloody Harriet," Sirius had protested, and James had lit up eagerly and agreed with Lily; she was much more a Harriet than a Holly.

Sirius had refused to call her Harriet. He'd called her "Holly berry" instead, to Lily's annoyance; until one day the baby's eyes had changed from that milky, indeterminate blue of all babies to a bright, startling green, the same shade as her own, almost the same shade as holly leaves. And then Lily had stopped grinding her teeth at every "Holly berry." And then she and James had gone into hiding and taken the baby with them . . .

A small sample of the prose's brilliance. :)

Re: (Excerpt from Chapter XX "Dog Days of Summer, Part 1")

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

Hollyberry isn't her name, then. It's a nickname. Different thing.

Re: (Excerpt from Chapter XX "Dog Days of Summer, Part 1")

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

It made me think of the actress, Halle Berry. Her name is pronounced almost like that.

I loved the part where James decided a dowdy name was just the thing for his little girl.

Re: (Excerpt from Chapter XX "Dog Days of Summer, Part 1")

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

Yep, James is totally the kind of dad who would fool with a heap of girls before settling down (if ever), but would have no qualms in locking his own daughter in a tower till she's 30 or something. Won't be able to get a date easily? Bring it on.

To @jana
i really should've just stated that "Holly berry" is that AU's Sirius's nickname for Harriet. :-P Again, do give the actual fic a shot!

Re: (Excerpt from Chapter XX "Dog Days of Summer, Part 1")

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

As a 'Holly' myself, I must admit that IF one is named Holly, eventually someone will choose to call you HollyBerry - especially around Christmas. I also got a lot of 'HollyJolly' and 'threats' to 'Deck the Halls' with my 'boughs'.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Harry: For what it’s worth, Ginny, I still agree with you that Fleur is a stupid, ugly slut!

Ginny: Oh, good! We truly are made for each other!

Yes, a prefect match. Two jealous, immature little brats.