Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 9
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deathtocapslock[Upon hearing the news of the Ministry’s defeat, Harry, Ron, and Hermione scramble to find each other, and then Hermione takes them both away, to Tottenham Court Road]
Ron: I don’t like this place. It’s full of dirty muggles.
Hermione: Never mind that now—we’re safer here than in the company of the Order. We just need to find a place to change.
Harry: But do we even have a change of clothes? Let alone my Invisibility Cloak….
Hermione: Don’t worry—I made sure to bring them with me.
[They eventually find a back alley, and quickly change. Harry puts on the Cloak]
Ron: Hermione, will you be safe in the middle of the city? I think some of the muggles are giving you dirty looks.
Hermione: Oh, please—this is London we’re talking about. I’ll be fine!
Random pub-goer: You there! Girl! You look so rapeable!
Hermione: Let’s just go and not make eye contact.
[Eventually they take refuge in a small, well-lit café]
Ron: Maybe we should go to the Leaky Cauldron to find out what’s going on?
Hermione: We can’t do that. It’ll look suspicious. Besides, we already know what happened. We know Voldemort took over the Ministry.
Waitress: Are you going to order anything?
Hermione: Oh, just bring us two coffees.
[Not long afterward, two strange workmen come inside]
Harry: I know them! They’re Death Eaters!
Death Eaters: Oh, shit—we’ve been discovered!
Harry: Stupefy!
[Harry manages to hit the first one, but that still leaves the second]
Harry: Stupefy again!
[He misses and hits the waitress instead]
Hermione: Petrificus totalus!
Death Eater: Aaaaah! [Falls over]
Hermione: Looks like we’ve subdued them successfully. Now what do we do?
Ron: Maybe we should kill them and get this over with.
Hermione: No, that would be too obvious.
Harry: Too obvious for a noble Chosen One like me who tries never to kill if he can help it?
Ron and Hermione: [Snicker]
Harry: What?!
Hermione: Don’t you think it would be easier to wipe their memories?
Ron: Yeah, great. [Pause] How do I do that?
Hermione: I don’t know.
Ron: Didn’t you say you wiped your parents’ memories?
Hermione: Oh, I know how to do them—just not how to make your dumb ass understand them. Never mind.
[Hermione wipes the two Death Eaters’ memories]
Harry: Now what do we do?
Hermione: Let’s get out of here. Just leave the waitress there—she’s only a muggle after all.
Harry: I still don’t understand how the Death Eaters found us. Could it be something to do with me? Am I just that much of a danger magnet? [Bursts into tears]
Hermione: Never mind that now. What we need is a place to hide where we can figure things out.
Harry: Oh, I have one! Let’s go to Gimmauld Place!
Hermione: But, don’t you think, oh, Snape might be there?
Harry: Well, if he is there I’ll just kill him, won’t I? Come on, it’s the only place we’ve got left.
Hermione: Well, I don’t suppose we can argue about this.
[Ron uses the Deluminator to turn off the light in the café, and then they all apparate to Grimmauld Place]
Harry: Well, so far it seems to be alright….
[But no sooner have they set foot inside than they’re greeted by a great dusty figure looking like Dumbledore’s ghost!]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAGH! [Clutch at each other in fear]
Figure: AAAAAAAGH! [Explodes into dust]
Harry: So…ah…what was that thing?
Hermione: Some sort of spell to ward off intruders, probably. [She checks the house for people using her magic] Well, it looks deserted. Let’s go inside.
Harry: AAAAGH! I had a flash of Voldie-vision again!
Ron: Did you see anything?
Harry: No, I just…generally felt angry. Oh, well.
Hermione: Oh well?! Harry, that connection is dangerous! Learn to control it, dammit!
[But soon a weasel patronus belonging to Mr. Weasley appears]
Weasel: Don’t worry, Ron, we’re all safe.
Ron: Oh, thank God!
Weasel: Well, I mean, did you really think any of us would die before the big finale?
Ron: Maybe?
[But Harry has another brief flash]
Harry: I…ah…need the bathroom.
[Harry gets to the bathroom, where he’s overcome by Voldie-vision!]
Voldemort: And now, Draco, you must torture Rowle for his incompetence!
Draco: But I don’t wanna! [Cries]
Voldemort: Do as I say, dammit! Or I won’t let you have any more East Anglian craft ale!
Draco: I never cared for craft ales anyway. Why can’t you do it yourself, if you’re so ruthless and evil?!
Voldemort: JUST DO IT ALREADY MY SLAVE! Or do I have to remind you to what extent you’re my slave and utterly under my control?!
Draco: No, dear Master. You do not.
[Draco makes Rowle scream in agony]
Harry: Oh, wow, Draco is miserable. I can’t believe I ever took him seriously as a threat he’s so pathetic.
Hermione: Harry, I’ve got your toothbrush!
Harry: Great, thanks!
Ron: I don’t like this place. It’s full of dirty muggles.
Hermione: Never mind that now—we’re safer here than in the company of the Order. We just need to find a place to change.
Harry: But do we even have a change of clothes? Let alone my Invisibility Cloak….
Hermione: Don’t worry—I made sure to bring them with me.
[They eventually find a back alley, and quickly change. Harry puts on the Cloak]
Ron: Hermione, will you be safe in the middle of the city? I think some of the muggles are giving you dirty looks.
Hermione: Oh, please—this is London we’re talking about. I’ll be fine!
Random pub-goer: You there! Girl! You look so rapeable!
Hermione: Let’s just go and not make eye contact.
[Eventually they take refuge in a small, well-lit café]
Ron: Maybe we should go to the Leaky Cauldron to find out what’s going on?
Hermione: We can’t do that. It’ll look suspicious. Besides, we already know what happened. We know Voldemort took over the Ministry.
Waitress: Are you going to order anything?
Hermione: Oh, just bring us two coffees.
[Not long afterward, two strange workmen come inside]
Harry: I know them! They’re Death Eaters!
Death Eaters: Oh, shit—we’ve been discovered!
Harry: Stupefy!
[Harry manages to hit the first one, but that still leaves the second]
Harry: Stupefy again!
[He misses and hits the waitress instead]
Hermione: Petrificus totalus!
Death Eater: Aaaaah! [Falls over]
Hermione: Looks like we’ve subdued them successfully. Now what do we do?
Ron: Maybe we should kill them and get this over with.
Hermione: No, that would be too obvious.
Harry: Too obvious for a noble Chosen One like me who tries never to kill if he can help it?
Ron and Hermione: [Snicker]
Harry: What?!
Hermione: Don’t you think it would be easier to wipe their memories?
Ron: Yeah, great. [Pause] How do I do that?
Hermione: I don’t know.
Ron: Didn’t you say you wiped your parents’ memories?
Hermione: Oh, I know how to do them—just not how to make your dumb ass understand them. Never mind.
[Hermione wipes the two Death Eaters’ memories]
Harry: Now what do we do?
Hermione: Let’s get out of here. Just leave the waitress there—she’s only a muggle after all.
Harry: I still don’t understand how the Death Eaters found us. Could it be something to do with me? Am I just that much of a danger magnet? [Bursts into tears]
Hermione: Never mind that now. What we need is a place to hide where we can figure things out.
Harry: Oh, I have one! Let’s go to Gimmauld Place!
Hermione: But, don’t you think, oh, Snape might be there?
Harry: Well, if he is there I’ll just kill him, won’t I? Come on, it’s the only place we’ve got left.
Hermione: Well, I don’t suppose we can argue about this.
[Ron uses the Deluminator to turn off the light in the café, and then they all apparate to Grimmauld Place]
Harry: Well, so far it seems to be alright….
[But no sooner have they set foot inside than they’re greeted by a great dusty figure looking like Dumbledore’s ghost!]
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: AAAAAAGH! [Clutch at each other in fear]
Figure: AAAAAAAGH! [Explodes into dust]
Harry: So…ah…what was that thing?
Hermione: Some sort of spell to ward off intruders, probably. [She checks the house for people using her magic] Well, it looks deserted. Let’s go inside.
Harry: AAAAGH! I had a flash of Voldie-vision again!
Ron: Did you see anything?
Harry: No, I just…generally felt angry. Oh, well.
Hermione: Oh well?! Harry, that connection is dangerous! Learn to control it, dammit!
[But soon a weasel patronus belonging to Mr. Weasley appears]
Weasel: Don’t worry, Ron, we’re all safe.
Ron: Oh, thank God!
Weasel: Well, I mean, did you really think any of us would die before the big finale?
Ron: Maybe?
[But Harry has another brief flash]
Harry: I…ah…need the bathroom.
[Harry gets to the bathroom, where he’s overcome by Voldie-vision!]
Voldemort: And now, Draco, you must torture Rowle for his incompetence!
Draco: But I don’t wanna! [Cries]
Voldemort: Do as I say, dammit! Or I won’t let you have any more East Anglian craft ale!
Draco: I never cared for craft ales anyway. Why can’t you do it yourself, if you’re so ruthless and evil?!
Voldemort: JUST DO IT ALREADY MY SLAVE! Or do I have to remind you to what extent you’re my slave and utterly under my control?!
Draco: No, dear Master. You do not.
[Draco makes Rowle scream in agony]
Harry: Oh, wow, Draco is miserable. I can’t believe I ever took him seriously as a threat he’s so pathetic.
Hermione: Harry, I’ve got your toothbrush!
Harry: Great, thanks!
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no subject
Date: 2015-07-07 03:46 am (UTC)Hermione: Oh, I know how to do them—just not how to make your dumb ass understand them. Never mind.
I like you explanation of that exchange.
Things are going down hill fast. JKR doesn't seem to remember what happened just a few chapters ago, let alone prior books.
no subject
Date: 2015-07-10 09:16 pm (UTC)Was this part in the book really necessary?
/[Draco makes Rowle scream in agony]/
Even though Draco clearly does not want to do it and Bellatrix told Harry that the only way that someone could successfully cast the Cruciatus Curse was if a) they really wanted to do it and b) they enjoyed causing pain.
Did JKR just forget everything that she had written about the Unforgivable Curses before this book? First, Draco can cast the Cruciatus Curse despite not wanting to, then Harry casting the Cruciatus Curse is "gallant" and not, you know, unforgivable.