Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 29
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deathtocapslockHarry: Navel! It’s you! It’s really you!
Neville: FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS NOT NAVEL! Seriously! Everyone at Hogwarts calls me by my proper name now!
Harry: I’m sorry, what’s your proper name, again?
Neville: AAAAAAAAARGH! [Smacks Harry]
Hermione: Harry, it’s Neville.
Neville: Oh, well—I suppose I should lead you into Hogwarts.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione follow Neville back into the passage]
Aberforth: Try not to die, all of you.
Harry: So…ah…how have things been at Hogwarts?
Neville: Well, the Death Eaters have taken over and now some of them are teaching and they want us to practice the Cruciatus Curse on people who’ve been given detentions, but other than that, everything’s fine! By the way, did you know I now have a totally manly scar for refusing to torture a fellow student? And also for asking a Death Eater named Alecto Carrow if she was related to mugggles?
Ron: Wow, Neville—you’re amazing!
Neville: I try to be. Someone has to keep the Gryffindor spirit strong! Oh, and my grandmother loves me now, finally. She’s a fugitive.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Oooooh!
Neville: Yeah, apparently some Death Eaters tried to catch her to get to me, but she fought them all off.
Ron: Wooooooooww!
Neville: Yes, quite. Now, anyway, we’re here.
[There’s a door at the end of the corridor, and Neville opens it onto the Room of Requirement, where various people are gathered]
Everyone: Harry is here! Hooray! Now we can finally be rid of the Death Eater menace!
Harry: No need to thank me—I’m just doing my duty as the Chosen One.
Seamus: Did you know that Neville understands the room so well he was able to ensure the Carrows can’t get in? In fact, it was his idea to connect it to the Hog’s Head so Aberforth could provide us with food!
Harry: WHAT?! You mean Navel’s better at using this room than me?!
Neville: [Bangs head against wall repeatedly] MY! NAME! IS! NOT! NAVEEEEEEL!
Harry: Oh, whatever.
[But just then Harry’s head starts to hurt and he disappears into Voldemort’s mind again!]
Harry: Nope…nope…not now, get out of his head….
Neville: Are you alright? You look terrible.
Harry: Oh, I’m fine. If you don’t mind, I’ll just take Ron and Hermione and complete my Chosen One’s quest, and then I’ll go off and destroy Voldemort—
Neville: Quest? What kind of quest?
Harry: Nothing that’s of any concern to you. The only ones who need know about it are myself—the Chosen One, as I’m sure you’re all aware—
Neville: Yeah, we know!
Harry: And Ron and Hermione, the only ones who are special enough to accompany me.
Neville: But every single person in this room has been putting their life and limb on the line to support you and Dumbledore! Does that count for nothing?!
Harry: Well—
[But just then, Luna and Dean enter through the portrait hole]
Seamus: Hooray, Dean is back! Now we can be a threesome again!
Harry: Luna! How ever did you make it back here?!
Neville: I used one of the fake gold coins to summon her.
Harry: Fake gold coins? What fake gold coins?
Neville: You know, from two books ago?
Harry: I don’t remember that at all.
Neville: I should have suspected as much.
[Not long afterward, Ginny, Fred, George, Lee Jordan, and Cho Chang arrive!]
Harry: Hooray, my future wife Ginny is here!
Neville: Harry, stay focused. Come, let us help you fight.
Harry: No! I won’t let any of you have my glory! I’m the Chosen One; therefore I’m the only one who’s allowed to do anything from this point onward!
Ron: Harry, you’re being deliberately unreasonable!
Harry: Oh, I am, aren’t I?
Ron: …Don’t you think you could at least ask them for help finding the last Horcrux?
Harry: You know, for once you’re right, Ron.
Ron: Thanks for that….
Harry: Alright, I do need your help after all. I’m looking for something that might have been important to Ravenclaw. Does anyone know what that something might be, or where it might be hidden?
Luna: Well, Ravenclaw did own a famous diadem.
Michael Corner: She did, you’re right. It was lost centuries ago, though.
Cho: Yeah—people have looked but there’s been no sign of it. Nobody alive has ever laid eyes on it. I could at least show you the statue of Ravenclaw, so you’d know what it looked like….
Ginny: Back off my man, bitch! [Pause] I…I mean, seeing as Luna’s a more important character, shouldn’t she be the one--?
Cho: That just makes you sound even more insulting! [Cries]
Luna: I’m always happy to help! Let’s go, Harry!
[Harry and Luna leave under the Invisibility Cloak and climb up to a tower, which is guarded by a large eagle statue]
Statue: What came first, the Phoenix or the flame?
Luna: Neither. It’s a cycle, see. It doesn’t have a beginning or an end.
Statue: That’s as good an answer as any. You may pass.
Harry: Wow, how did you ever know how to answer that riddle?!
Luna: I’ve had years of practice.
[In the center of the common room is the statue of Rowena herself, with a replica of the diadem perched on her head]
Harry: Luna, Luna! Is that it?!
Luna: That’s it!
Alecto Carrow: That’s it!
Harry and Luna: AAAAAH! It’s the Death Eaters!
Neville: FOR THE LAST TIME MY NAME IS NOT NAVEL! Seriously! Everyone at Hogwarts calls me by my proper name now!
Harry: I’m sorry, what’s your proper name, again?
Neville: AAAAAAAAARGH! [Smacks Harry]
Hermione: Harry, it’s Neville.
Neville: Oh, well—I suppose I should lead you into Hogwarts.
[Harry, Ron, and Hermione follow Neville back into the passage]
Aberforth: Try not to die, all of you.
Harry: So…ah…how have things been at Hogwarts?
Neville: Well, the Death Eaters have taken over and now some of them are teaching and they want us to practice the Cruciatus Curse on people who’ve been given detentions, but other than that, everything’s fine! By the way, did you know I now have a totally manly scar for refusing to torture a fellow student? And also for asking a Death Eater named Alecto Carrow if she was related to mugggles?
Ron: Wow, Neville—you’re amazing!
Neville: I try to be. Someone has to keep the Gryffindor spirit strong! Oh, and my grandmother loves me now, finally. She’s a fugitive.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Oooooh!
Neville: Yeah, apparently some Death Eaters tried to catch her to get to me, but she fought them all off.
Ron: Wooooooooww!
Neville: Yes, quite. Now, anyway, we’re here.
[There’s a door at the end of the corridor, and Neville opens it onto the Room of Requirement, where various people are gathered]
Everyone: Harry is here! Hooray! Now we can finally be rid of the Death Eater menace!
Harry: No need to thank me—I’m just doing my duty as the Chosen One.
Seamus: Did you know that Neville understands the room so well he was able to ensure the Carrows can’t get in? In fact, it was his idea to connect it to the Hog’s Head so Aberforth could provide us with food!
Harry: WHAT?! You mean Navel’s better at using this room than me?!
Neville: [Bangs head against wall repeatedly] MY! NAME! IS! NOT! NAVEEEEEEL!
Harry: Oh, whatever.
[But just then Harry’s head starts to hurt and he disappears into Voldemort’s mind again!]
Harry: Nope…nope…not now, get out of his head….
Neville: Are you alright? You look terrible.
Harry: Oh, I’m fine. If you don’t mind, I’ll just take Ron and Hermione and complete my Chosen One’s quest, and then I’ll go off and destroy Voldemort—
Neville: Quest? What kind of quest?
Harry: Nothing that’s of any concern to you. The only ones who need know about it are myself—the Chosen One, as I’m sure you’re all aware—
Neville: Yeah, we know!
Harry: And Ron and Hermione, the only ones who are special enough to accompany me.
Neville: But every single person in this room has been putting their life and limb on the line to support you and Dumbledore! Does that count for nothing?!
Harry: Well—
[But just then, Luna and Dean enter through the portrait hole]
Seamus: Hooray, Dean is back! Now we can be a threesome again!
Harry: Luna! How ever did you make it back here?!
Neville: I used one of the fake gold coins to summon her.
Harry: Fake gold coins? What fake gold coins?
Neville: You know, from two books ago?
Harry: I don’t remember that at all.
Neville: I should have suspected as much.
[Not long afterward, Ginny, Fred, George, Lee Jordan, and Cho Chang arrive!]
Harry: Hooray, my future wife Ginny is here!
Neville: Harry, stay focused. Come, let us help you fight.
Harry: No! I won’t let any of you have my glory! I’m the Chosen One; therefore I’m the only one who’s allowed to do anything from this point onward!
Ron: Harry, you’re being deliberately unreasonable!
Harry: Oh, I am, aren’t I?
Ron: …Don’t you think you could at least ask them for help finding the last Horcrux?
Harry: You know, for once you’re right, Ron.
Ron: Thanks for that….
Harry: Alright, I do need your help after all. I’m looking for something that might have been important to Ravenclaw. Does anyone know what that something might be, or where it might be hidden?
Luna: Well, Ravenclaw did own a famous diadem.
Michael Corner: She did, you’re right. It was lost centuries ago, though.
Cho: Yeah—people have looked but there’s been no sign of it. Nobody alive has ever laid eyes on it. I could at least show you the statue of Ravenclaw, so you’d know what it looked like….
Ginny: Back off my man, bitch! [Pause] I…I mean, seeing as Luna’s a more important character, shouldn’t she be the one--?
Cho: That just makes you sound even more insulting! [Cries]
Luna: I’m always happy to help! Let’s go, Harry!
[Harry and Luna leave under the Invisibility Cloak and climb up to a tower, which is guarded by a large eagle statue]
Statue: What came first, the Phoenix or the flame?
Luna: Neither. It’s a cycle, see. It doesn’t have a beginning or an end.
Statue: That’s as good an answer as any. You may pass.
Harry: Wow, how did you ever know how to answer that riddle?!
Luna: I’ve had years of practice.
[In the center of the common room is the statue of Rowena herself, with a replica of the diadem perched on her head]
Harry: Luna, Luna! Is that it?!
Luna: That’s it!
Alecto Carrow: That’s it!
Harry and Luna: AAAAAH! It’s the Death Eaters!
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Date: 2015-08-23 03:12 am (UTC)