deathtocapslock | Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 30

Snape: Good day, ladies and gentlemen! I know, I know—it’s been a long book without my awesomeness gracing the pages, but rest assured—from now on things will be better! This chapter will be from my perspective! Ahaha--! [Pause] What’s that? You said…I’m only in one scene of this entire chapter?! [Pause] And it’s really stupid?! [Pause] But my name’s in the chapter title! [Pause] Oh, that is not fair! [Cries] What’d I ever do to you?*

[We return, regrettably, to Harry and Luna, still in Ravenclaw’s common room]

Alecto Carrow: I’ll just tell the Dark Lord what happened, if you don’t mind…. [Touches Dark Mark]

Luna: Stupefy!

Alecto Carrow: [Collapses]

Harry: Luna! I’m supposed to be the brave and manly Gryffindor who protects you, not the other way around!

Luna: [Facepalm]

[Just then, there’s a knock at the common room door!]

Amycus Carrow: Sister! Sister! What’s going on in there?! Let me in!

Ravenclaw statue: If you want to get inside, you have to solve my riddle.

Amycus Carrow: But I hate riddles! They require thinking, and that’s haaaaard!

Luna: He sounds like you, Harry.

Harry: What?! You’re not comparing me to a Death Eater!

Luna: Just some food for thought.

Harry: Well…anyway, let’s get under my Cloak!

Luna: Good idea!

[They hide under the Cloak]

McGonagall: [outside door] Well, if it isn’t Amycus Carrow. What are you doing?

Amycus Carrow: I’m trying to get to my sister, who’s in there. Can you answer the riddle for me?

McGonagall: I don’t see why not.

Ravenclaw statue: What is the average velocity of an unladen swallow?

McGonagall: African or European?

Ravenclaw statue: Works for me.

[The door of the Ravenclaw common room opens]

Amycus Carrow: Oh, no! Sister! What happened to you?! You’re dead! You’re truly and completely dead!

McGonagall: Calm down—she’s just been stunned.

Amycus Carrow: The Dark Lord will kill her if he finds out about this! She summoned him on the grounds that she’d found Harry Potter, yet he’s nowhere to be seen!

McGonagall: Well, we are in Ravenclaw’s common room. He’d have no reason to go among Ravenclaws, and anyway he’s not smart enough to answer any riddles the Ravenclaw statue might throw at him.

Amycus Carrow: Is that an insult?

McGonagall: Maybe. Maybe not.

Amycus Carrow: I wonder if I could pass blame for this off onto the students?

McGonagall: You’ll do no such thing you slimy, shameful coward!

Amycus Carrow: Hey! You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do!

McGonagall: You said it first.

Amycus Carrow: Grrr…. Fine, if you wanna be that way, I’ll just…I’ll just…spit on you! [Does so] There, now do you see how evil I am and how seriously I’m to be taken?!

McGonagall: You child.

Harry: Aha! I’ve got you now!

McGonagall: Oh—you were here after all!

Harry: [to Amycus Carrow] How dare you insult my professor! Crucio!

Amycus Carrow: [Incoherently screams in agony]

McGonagall: Isn’t that spell illegal?

Harry: But…but…don’t I look so much more tough and manly now that I’ve proven I can torture enemies?

McGonagall: That’s one way to put it….

Harry: I knew you’d see it my way!

Luna: Harry, aren’t you forgetting about something important?

Harry: Oh, right! Say, Professor, do you know where we can find Rowena Ravenclaw’s diadem?

McGonagall: What are you talking about? Don’t you know nobody alive has ever laid eyes on that diadem?

Amycus Carrow: T-that really hurt…. The Dark Lord said that spell was for Death Eaters only….

McGonagall: Imperio!

Amycus Carrow: I am so high.

McGonagall: Lie beside your sister, you foul Slytherin!

Amycus Carrow: Yes, Master. [Lies besides Alecto Carrow]

Luna: Isn’t that spell illegal?

McGonagall: Well, if the Chosen One, epitome of goodness that he is, can use an Unforgivable and get away with it surely I’m free to do the same.

[She causes vines to form around the two Death Eaters, holding them in place]

Harry: So…anyway…about this diadem. Dumbledore wanted me to find it for him.

McGonagall: Dumbledore put you up to this?

Harry: That he did!

McGonagall: Well…that makes a difference. Go, do whatever you want—I’ll organize the teachers and staff to keep He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at bay for while you search. Then there’s the matter of evacuating the students….

Harry: There’s a secret passageway out of the castle via the Hog’s Head. And it’s unguarded. Ask the DA in the Room of Requirement about it.

McGonagall: Duly noted.

Harry: I always knew I could count on you, Professor!

[Harry and Luna put on the Cloak and follow McGonagall down the corridor, until suddenly Snape jumps out from behind a suit of armor!]

Snape: Surprise!

McGonagall: It’s you! W-what the hell were you doing hiding behind a statue?!

Snape: I was keeping an eye on Amycus and Alecto Carrow, since they informed me they’d apprehended someone very important. Besides, it’s more dramatic this way and if there’s one person who deserves to go out in a blaze of glory it’s me!

McGonagall: I don’t know what they told you, but there are no intruders anywhere I’ve been.

Snape: Really? Then why are you wandering the corridors at this hour?

McGonagall: I…ah…had to pick up my dry cleaning….

Snape: Oh, please. You’re hiding something from me, aren’t you?

McGonagall: How’s THIS for hiding something?!

[McGonagall enchants the flames in a torch to leave their bracket on the wall and form a fiery rope]

Snape: Oh, so you want a fight? Whatever, I was waiting for a chance to prove my awesomeness!

[Harry and Luna can only stand back and watch as more teachers arrive]

Snape: Oh, come on—you’re clearly outnumbering me! How is that fair?

Flitwick: Was it fair when you murdered Dumbledore?

Snape: You know what they say: two wrongs don’t make a right.

McGonagall: Don’t try to talk your way out of this one, coward!

Snape: I’m a coward, am I?! Fine, you want a coward?! I’ll show you a coward!

[He runs away, eventually running into a classroom and jumping through a window]

Snape: Ahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

McGonagall: He jumped THROUGH glass?!

Harry: Oh, good—this means he’s dead, right?

McGonagall: Not if he can fly.

Harry: Dammit!

McGonagall: Oh, well! Teachers, let’s get down to business. Get your students and we’ll all meet in the Great Hall.

Slughorn: Are you sure that this is the best course of action?

McGonagall: Oh, are you working against us, you slimy Slytherin? What’s this, do you harbor sympathy for the Dark Lord?!

Slughorn: No, not at all! I’m just saying--

McGonagall: Then get your Slytherins to the Great Hall, or get them out of the castle! Don’t let me catch them or you helping the enemy! Slutborn!

Slughorn: Not you too!

McGonagall: Harry, go get your friends and bring them to the Great Hall, alright?

Harry and Luna: Yes, Ma’am!

[Harry and Luna return to the Room of Requirement to find the Order members there]

Harry: So, anyway, the younger students are being evacuated and anyone who wants to fight is going to the Great Hall to get organized.

DA Members: Hooray!

[They all begin to file out of the room toward the Great Hall]

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, Ginny, you’re too young to fight. You should get out of here while you still can.

Ginny: Fuck off, Mother! Stop trying to limit me because I’m a girl!

Bill: But…but...if you go out to fight then the entire family might be destroyed, but if you stay safe at least one of us will remain to carry on our legacy!

Harry: He’s right, you know. You’re my future wife—where would I be if I let anything happen to you?

Ginny: Well, if my Chosen One future husband bids me stay out of the fight….

[Just then, Percy enters]

Percy: So, anyway, I decided I want to reconcile with the family and take back all the completely true and accurate things I said about you all.

Fred: Oh, good. I’m glad to see you know your place at last.

Percy: Well I decided I’d do anything for screen time in the final battle, even if it meant making nice with the family who mercilessly bullied me for years.

George: It’s good to see we’re all in the same boat.

Fleur: Lupin, Lupin! Do you have a picture of your son?!

Lupin: As a matter of fact, yes. [Takes out picture] He’s a cute little thing, just ripe for the orphaning!

Everyone in attendance: WHAT?!

Lupin: Ahem, let’s change the subject. Mrs. Weasley, I’ve worked out a brilliant compromise regarding Ginny!

Mrs. Weasley and Ginny: Yes?

Lupin: Why doesn’t Ginny remain in the Room of Requirement while the fighting’s going on, so she can still be on the scene but doesn’t have to endanger herself?

Mrs. Weasley: That’s good enough for me.

Ginny: Me too.

Harry: I just realized that I don’t see Ron or Hermione anywhere! Where could they be?!

Ginny: They said they were going off to a bathroom or something. I can’t imagine why!

[But just then, Harry disappears into Voldemort’s head again!]

Voldemort: It seems as though my Horcruxes are being destroyed at a faster rate than I thought. Oh, well—time to go to Hogwarts and kill everyone!

*A/N: In all seriousness, it is good to have Snape back.