Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 34

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Harry: S-so…this is it? I’m j-just supposed to go and die? No…it can’t be true. I must be dreaming. Somebody, please, tell me I’m dreaming!

[Slowly but surely, Harry picks himself up]

Harry: Oh, well—I suppose I should just get it over with. After all, this book is already so long and tedious I’m sure the audience wants to be put out of their misery as much as I want to be put out of mine.

[Harry puts on the Cloak and heads for the exit. Along the way, he notices Neville carrying Colin Creevey’s body]

Harry: Colin Creevey is dead?! Oh, well—I never liked the little brat anyway.

[He runs over to Neville and removes the Cloak]

Harry: Navel, Navel!

Neville: [Facepalm] Yes?

Harry: So, anyway, I have to go and…ah…do something with Voldemort.

Neville: You’re going right to him?!

Harry: Yes, well…the power of Plot compels me, as it has all along. Anyway, if you get a chance, destroy Voldemort’s pet snake, alright?

Neville: I’ll certainly try.

Harry: Great, thanks! You’re the best, Navel!

Neville: My name isn’t Navel….

[Harry puts the Cloak back on and continues outside to the grounds, toward the forest]

Harry: Oh, look—Dementors. Oh, well—I couldn’t make a Patronus even if I wanted to.

[As Harry walks, he remembers the Golden Snitch he received from Dumbledore]

Harry: Aha! Now will you open for me?! [Kisses Snitch]

[And sure enough, the Snitch does open, to reveal the ring with the Resurrection Stone in it]

Harry: Let’s see if this works.

[He turns the Stone three times, and the shades of his parents, Sirius, and Lupin all appear]

Harry: So, anyway, I’m about to sacrifice my life to kill the Dark Lord now.

Potter: So it would appear. But you know what they say—life down here is just a strange illusion.

Harry: So…ah…what is on the other side, anyway?

Lily: That’s for us to know and you to find out, really.

Harry: Does it involve immortality and eternal youth and the truth about the meaning of life?

Sirius: Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that….

Harry: Does it hurt?

Sirius: That depends on what you mean by “hurt.”

Harry: What kind of answer is that?!

Sirius: Your soul will be laid to rest.

Harry: What does that mean?!

Lupin: Oh, dear—I can see this conversation isn’t going anywhere.

Harry: Oh, Lupin! Listen, I saw that you and Tonks died and left your son behind. What a tragedy.

Lupin: Oh well—there are always casualties and children left behind in any war.

Harry: You don’t sound too upset.

Lupin: I don’t?

Harry: You know what, never mind. Let’s just go face the Dark Lord and get this over with.

[Harry enters the woods, where he finds Voldemort and the Death Eaters around a campfire, with Hagrid tied up to one side]

Yaxley: You know, it’s been an hour and Harry Potter hasn’t appeared.

Dolohov: That’s true. Should we do something about it, My Lord?

Voldemort: No, no, I’m quite sure he’ll come.

Harry: Voldemort, you called? [Whips off Cloak]

Voldemort: See? I was right.

Hagrid: Harry! What are you doing?! They’ll kill you!

Harry: Hagrid, shut up—you’re ruining the dramatic tension!

Hagrid: Sorry….

Voldemort: Now, let’s get down to business. [Goes up to Harry and points a wand at his chest] Avada kedavra!

Harry: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[And all is silence]

Comments

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

If you're planning on Neville/Luna before this is over, can you make the relationship a bit more permanent than Jo had hinted the film's version to be, so that there's at least one person in the world who calls him name correctly?

[aikaterini.livejournal.com]

/Harry: Oh, well—I suppose I should just get it over with./

Because that’s a totally realistic reaction to learning that the teacher whom you’ve hated for years had a crush on your mother and the headmaster whom you adored was setting you up to die.

[sunnyskywalker]

It's a shame JKR tried to save so many of the bombshells for this book. They didn't have room to matter. If Slughorn had told Harry last year that Lily and Severus were friends, and Harry had started feeling... well, let's say less hateful toward Snape, then learning that Snape was the Half-Blood Prince with the vicious spell and then seeing his apparent betrayal would have hurt all the more. Then these memories would be a moment of "Aha, now we get his side of the story!" rather than "wait, what does this mean?" And I think it was JOdel who said that Ron should have mentioned Beadle tales earlier and Binns should have dismissed the Chamber of Secrets as a myth like the Deathstick or Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, with no further explanation, so that at least when they came up again they wouldn't be such infodumpy retcons.

[seductivedark.livejournal.com]

Agreed. I think Rowling should have introduced the Three Brothers tale in the first, or at the latest, the second, book. It would have been a good time to do that. With Harry just leaving childhood for adolescence, he could have had that one childhood moment where Molly sits on the edge of his bed and reads, or tells, him the tale. It could even have had the other Weasleys sneaking in and clustering around, for a very sweet moment, to give Harry more of a family experience, and to flesh out Molly's character a little more.

[nx74defiant.livejournal.com]

Everything in this book seems like it is coming completely out of left field.