Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 34
Aug. 29th, 2015 10:34 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
sweettalkeress.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
deathtocapslockHarry: S-so…this is it? I’m j-just supposed to go and die? No…it can’t be true. I must be dreaming. Somebody, please, tell me I’m dreaming!
[Slowly but surely, Harry picks himself up]
Harry: Oh, well—I suppose I should just get it over with. After all, this book is already so long and tedious I’m sure the audience wants to be put out of their misery as much as I want to be put out of mine.
[Harry puts on the Cloak and heads for the exit. Along the way, he notices Neville carrying Colin Creevey’s body]
Harry: Colin Creevey is dead?! Oh, well—I never liked the little brat anyway.
[He runs over to Neville and removes the Cloak]
Harry: Navel, Navel!
Neville: [Facepalm] Yes?
Harry: So, anyway, I have to go and…ah…do something with Voldemort.
Neville: You’re going right to him?!
Harry: Yes, well…the power of Plot compels me, as it has all along. Anyway, if you get a chance, destroy Voldemort’s pet snake, alright?
Neville: I’ll certainly try.
Harry: Great, thanks! You’re the best, Navel!
Neville: My name isn’t Navel….
[Harry puts the Cloak back on and continues outside to the grounds, toward the forest]
Harry: Oh, look—Dementors. Oh, well—I couldn’t make a Patronus even if I wanted to.
[As Harry walks, he remembers the Golden Snitch he received from Dumbledore]
Harry: Aha! Now will you open for me?! [Kisses Snitch]
[And sure enough, the Snitch does open, to reveal the ring with the Resurrection Stone in it]
Harry: Let’s see if this works.
[He turns the Stone three times, and the shades of his parents, Sirius, and Lupin all appear]
Harry: So, anyway, I’m about to sacrifice my life to kill the Dark Lord now.
Potter: So it would appear. But you know what they say—life down here is just a strange illusion.
Harry: So…ah…what is on the other side, anyway?
Lily: That’s for us to know and you to find out, really.
Harry: Does it involve immortality and eternal youth and the truth about the meaning of life?
Sirius: Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that….
Harry: Does it hurt?
Sirius: That depends on what you mean by “hurt.”
Harry: What kind of answer is that?!
Sirius: Your soul will be laid to rest.
Harry: What does that mean?!
Lupin: Oh, dear—I can see this conversation isn’t going anywhere.
Harry: Oh, Lupin! Listen, I saw that you and Tonks died and left your son behind. What a tragedy.
Lupin: Oh well—there are always casualties and children left behind in any war.
Harry: You don’t sound too upset.
Lupin: I don’t?
Harry: You know what, never mind. Let’s just go face the Dark Lord and get this over with.
[Harry enters the woods, where he finds Voldemort and the Death Eaters around a campfire, with Hagrid tied up to one side]
Yaxley: You know, it’s been an hour and Harry Potter hasn’t appeared.
Dolohov: That’s true. Should we do something about it, My Lord?
Voldemort: No, no, I’m quite sure he’ll come.
Harry: Voldemort, you called? [Whips off Cloak]
Voldemort: See? I was right.
Hagrid: Harry! What are you doing?! They’ll kill you!
Harry: Hagrid, shut up—you’re ruining the dramatic tension!
Hagrid: Sorry….
Voldemort: Now, let’s get down to business. [Goes up to Harry and points a wand at his chest] Avada kedavra!
Harry: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[And all is silence]
[Slowly but surely, Harry picks himself up]
Harry: Oh, well—I suppose I should just get it over with. After all, this book is already so long and tedious I’m sure the audience wants to be put out of their misery as much as I want to be put out of mine.
[Harry puts on the Cloak and heads for the exit. Along the way, he notices Neville carrying Colin Creevey’s body]
Harry: Colin Creevey is dead?! Oh, well—I never liked the little brat anyway.
[He runs over to Neville and removes the Cloak]
Harry: Navel, Navel!
Neville: [Facepalm] Yes?
Harry: So, anyway, I have to go and…ah…do something with Voldemort.
Neville: You’re going right to him?!
Harry: Yes, well…the power of Plot compels me, as it has all along. Anyway, if you get a chance, destroy Voldemort’s pet snake, alright?
Neville: I’ll certainly try.
Harry: Great, thanks! You’re the best, Navel!
Neville: My name isn’t Navel….
[Harry puts the Cloak back on and continues outside to the grounds, toward the forest]
Harry: Oh, look—Dementors. Oh, well—I couldn’t make a Patronus even if I wanted to.
[As Harry walks, he remembers the Golden Snitch he received from Dumbledore]
Harry: Aha! Now will you open for me?! [Kisses Snitch]
[And sure enough, the Snitch does open, to reveal the ring with the Resurrection Stone in it]
Harry: Let’s see if this works.
[He turns the Stone three times, and the shades of his parents, Sirius, and Lupin all appear]
Harry: So, anyway, I’m about to sacrifice my life to kill the Dark Lord now.
Potter: So it would appear. But you know what they say—life down here is just a strange illusion.
Harry: So…ah…what is on the other side, anyway?
Lily: That’s for us to know and you to find out, really.
Harry: Does it involve immortality and eternal youth and the truth about the meaning of life?
Sirius: Well, I wouldn’t put it quite like that….
Harry: Does it hurt?
Sirius: That depends on what you mean by “hurt.”
Harry: What kind of answer is that?!
Sirius: Your soul will be laid to rest.
Harry: What does that mean?!
Lupin: Oh, dear—I can see this conversation isn’t going anywhere.
Harry: Oh, Lupin! Listen, I saw that you and Tonks died and left your son behind. What a tragedy.
Lupin: Oh well—there are always casualties and children left behind in any war.
Harry: You don’t sound too upset.
Lupin: I don’t?
Harry: You know what, never mind. Let’s just go face the Dark Lord and get this over with.
[Harry enters the woods, where he finds Voldemort and the Death Eaters around a campfire, with Hagrid tied up to one side]
Yaxley: You know, it’s been an hour and Harry Potter hasn’t appeared.
Dolohov: That’s true. Should we do something about it, My Lord?
Voldemort: No, no, I’m quite sure he’ll come.
Harry: Voldemort, you called? [Whips off Cloak]
Voldemort: See? I was right.
Hagrid: Harry! What are you doing?! They’ll kill you!
Harry: Hagrid, shut up—you’re ruining the dramatic tension!
Hagrid: Sorry….
Voldemort: Now, let’s get down to business. [Goes up to Harry and points a wand at his chest] Avada kedavra!
Harry: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[And all is silence]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-09-04 07:51 pm (UTC)