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May. 12th, 2009 07:51 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockI can't stand it any longer. I need my weekly fix of spork!
I hope no one minds if I start doing it myself. I'm starting with Deathly Hallows and pray God I may make it all the way through. I figure that if I can make through the second chapter, I can make it through anything.
The Dark Lord Ascending
Two men appear out of nowhere into… somewhere! I wonder who they are! Oh, it’s just Snape and someone taller than Snape.
Snape has the best news but Taller-Than-Snape, although eager enough to ask for news is not eager to actually hear it. He would rather refer to the difficulty of obtaining his own news and whether or not “he” will be satisfied by it. I wonder who “he” is! The suspense is killing me!
Incidentally, they are both now marching down a lane with neat hedges on one side and rough brambles on the other. Guess they’re in the country? They each raise their left arm simultaneously in “a kind of salute” and pass through a wrought iron gate as if through smoke. Or else it’s a wrought-smoke gate, made up to look like iron.
Either way the image I get is like a pair of synchronized Nazi cartoon figures. Um, like Boris and Natasha, except they were Soviets.
The image of Boris and Natasha is emphasized to me when the taller one (Yaxley) manages to draw his wand over Snape’s head. Yeesh. Snape is a midget?
The Malfoys have peacocks. White peacocks. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think about this. I saw a white peacock once and it was beautiful. I imagine it would be even better by moonlight. But I suspect I’m supposed to find it distasteful or tacky.
It takes Yaxley and Snape two pages to walk up the drive to Malfoy Manor. No wonder they’re so late.
Everyone is waiting for them in order to get the meeting started. I wonder what they’re doing while they wait. Playing tiddly-winks? Fidgeting uncomfortably? If this were a fanfic, they’d be busy having an orgy.
The first thing the tardy twosome notice is a slowly revolving upside person suspended over the table. I think it’s a bit odd to notice this person without noticing anything about the person—such as its gender. I think I’d notice right away if it were a man or a woman. Unless it was Pat, that character Julia Sweeney used to play on Saturday Night Live. That would explain, of course, why everyone seems so uncomfortable.
There’s a pale young man, by the way, who keeps glancing uncomfortably up at the figure. I wonder who the hell he is. I mean, if it was Draco Malfoy, the narrator would just come out and say so, right? Unless this is the Snape-filter and he’s already forgotten who Draco is.
Someone chides Yaxley and Snape for being late and a couple paragraphs later we learn that it’s Voldemort. If this is the Snape filter, Snape’s a lot slower on the uptake than I always imagined.
Snape is seated next to Voldemort. Yaxley is down with the other redshirts. At least they’re all at the same table. At the Order of the Phoenix meetings, the seating was probably by House affliation. Which meant that Snape had to sit by himself at a card table.
Snape has brought the super-exciting news that the Order is moving Harry Potter out of 4 Privet Drive on a particular date. Voldemort makes sure to ask if Snape used the source they discussed. Honestly, this news doesn’t sound interesting enough to hold the meeting for. And, now that I know that the “source” is Mundungus Fletcher, I wonder why Voldemort puts any stock in the information at all.
Yaxley, of course, thinks that he has better information, since he got it from the Ministry. Snape notes that the Order doesn’t trust the Ministry. It really seems like the Death Eaters should know all this stuff already. But, we should thank them for getting all the new readers up to speed on plot. “The Ministry is nearly ours,” Yaxley says. Snape adds, “Yes, but Harry Potter doesn’t trust the Ministry, and he’s got his own bodyguard, and he has a long history with Voldemort, and we’re trying to kill him. Got that?”
Oh, and here’s something that confuses me. If Voldemort has Harry’s blood in him, then can’t he get through the blood protection on 4 Privet Drive? Why did they take Harry back there to begin with? Why not just move him into hiding right after the funeral? Why not just have him camp out at Hogwarts with its extra-special wards and 100 willing Elf Slaves?
Reading through this slowly, I see that the Ministry and Order are working somewhat together—in that the Ministry has put some protection on the Burrow (and other safe houses). Apparently, the Death Eaters will need to take over the Ministry before they can break those protections. Nice to know that the Ministry isn’t completely useless.
Yaxley has, with great diffculty, placed an Imperius Curse on Pius Thicknesse, one of the Ministers. I wonder why it was so difficult? Seems like all you have to do is wave your wand and shout “Imperio!”
Is it just me, or does the name “Pius Thicknesse” sound like a pope?
The Ministry can track when Harry Potter Apparates or uses the Floo Network. We know from OotP, that fireplaces can be watched—although, can all fireplaces be watched at the same time? And, is that Apparition tracking done to all wizards or just underage ones? Or just Harry Potter? (Cause you’d think they’d be watching Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, too, later on.)
Voldemort makes the very convenient statement that he needs to be the one to kill Harry Potter. This shows once again how little logic the wizards have, since, logically speaking, he doesn’t. And, since his wand is handicapped against Harry’s wand, it would be a lot easier to just send someone else to kill Harry. However, Voldemort has these sharks with lasers mounted on their heads that he’s just dying to use, so… we’ll be patient and wait until they can meet up.
Unless Harry gets killed by stepping up a jagged broken teacup in the meantime.
The important business over, Voldemort takes the time to humiliate first Lucius by confiscating his wand, and then Bellatrix by mentioning her niece’s marriage to a werewolf. This is probably in order to engage our sympathies for Lupin and Tonks, now that they are being targeted for death! Unfortunately, I’m too distracted by the weirdness of this elite group of terrorists gossiping about who gets to babysit the werewolf cubs to take the threat seriously.
Next Voldemort draws everyone’s attention to the figure revolving above the table. We finally learn that this is Charity Burbage, Professor of Muggle Studies at Hogwarts. This is probably an attempt on Voldemort’s part to humiliate Snape in some way. Maybe he’s waiting for Snape to ask for Charity to be spared. But Snape isn’t that easy. He’s faced the Marauders, damnit. Next to them, Voldemort’s humiliation skills are nil.
Incidentally, Voldemort asks Draco if he recognizes Burbage, and Draco shakes his head. That would indicate that Draco doesn’t take Muggle Studies. On the other hand, he acts like he recognizes her. As he will in later chapters, Draco walks a fine line between the Draco we love and some random stranger with polyjuice potion and a handful of white-blond hairs.
I can’t help wondering if Charity’s robes were falling down while she was hanging upside-down. Did everyone see her underwear? Let’s hope she wore slacks.
Finally—at some point before DH came out, I predicted that, if Snape were DDM, we’d see him do something evil near the beginning of the book, just to set up the final twist when he turns out to be good later on. I’d be proud of my prophetic ability if it weren’t just plain obvious as a plot ploy.
A short note: I don't grok the Jabootu scores, so instead I thought I'd keep track of Fan Service (where JKR gave shout outs to fan expectations and Fan Slappage (where she killed various theories or ships). Plus, because I'm silly, I'm putting in a missing scene from each chapter as a DVD Extra.
Fan Service:
There is a Mafoy Manor. It even has peacocks on the lawn!
Fan Slappage:
No, Draco didn’t take Muggle Studies. Stop trying to make him interesting!
DVD Extras:
EXT: Night - Malfoy Manor
The wind is whipping through the trees, making them dance in the moonlight. A title card comes up:
SIX WEEKS EARLIER
Two figures appear from out of nowhere and begin striding towards the manor house. One is easily distinguished by his pale, almost white-blond hair. The other is dark, scowling, and holding his injured arm gingerly.
DRACO
You did it! I can’t believe you did it!
Draco touches Snape hesitantly on the shoulder. Snape turns, surprised.
SNAPE
Hurry up. The Dark Lord will be waiting.
DRACO
Mother said you were protecting me. I… I didn’t believe her. Thank—
SNAPE
Don’t thank me. I didn’t do it for you.
DRACO
Then why did you do it?
Snape’s attention is drawn to something over Draco’s shoulder. A look of wistful pain crosses his face. Draco, curious, turns to look.
A DOE AND FAWN are nibbling at the grass in a pool of moon light.
Snape turns away abruptly.
SNAPE
I did it for… never mind. Come on!
He runs up the stairs, two at a time. Draco stares at the deer.
DRACO
You did it for Bambi’s mother?
FADE OUT
I hope no one minds if I start doing it myself. I'm starting with Deathly Hallows and pray God I may make it all the way through. I figure that if I can make through the second chapter, I can make it through anything.
The Dark Lord Ascending
Two men appear out of nowhere into… somewhere! I wonder who they are! Oh, it’s just Snape and someone taller than Snape.
Snape has the best news but Taller-Than-Snape, although eager enough to ask for news is not eager to actually hear it. He would rather refer to the difficulty of obtaining his own news and whether or not “he” will be satisfied by it. I wonder who “he” is! The suspense is killing me!
Incidentally, they are both now marching down a lane with neat hedges on one side and rough brambles on the other. Guess they’re in the country? They each raise their left arm simultaneously in “a kind of salute” and pass through a wrought iron gate as if through smoke. Or else it’s a wrought-smoke gate, made up to look like iron.
Either way the image I get is like a pair of synchronized Nazi cartoon figures. Um, like Boris and Natasha, except they were Soviets.
The image of Boris and Natasha is emphasized to me when the taller one (Yaxley) manages to draw his wand over Snape’s head. Yeesh. Snape is a midget?
The Malfoys have peacocks. White peacocks. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think about this. I saw a white peacock once and it was beautiful. I imagine it would be even better by moonlight. But I suspect I’m supposed to find it distasteful or tacky.
It takes Yaxley and Snape two pages to walk up the drive to Malfoy Manor. No wonder they’re so late.
Everyone is waiting for them in order to get the meeting started. I wonder what they’re doing while they wait. Playing tiddly-winks? Fidgeting uncomfortably? If this were a fanfic, they’d be busy having an orgy.
The first thing the tardy twosome notice is a slowly revolving upside person suspended over the table. I think it’s a bit odd to notice this person without noticing anything about the person—such as its gender. I think I’d notice right away if it were a man or a woman. Unless it was Pat, that character Julia Sweeney used to play on Saturday Night Live. That would explain, of course, why everyone seems so uncomfortable.
There’s a pale young man, by the way, who keeps glancing uncomfortably up at the figure. I wonder who the hell he is. I mean, if it was Draco Malfoy, the narrator would just come out and say so, right? Unless this is the Snape-filter and he’s already forgotten who Draco is.
Someone chides Yaxley and Snape for being late and a couple paragraphs later we learn that it’s Voldemort. If this is the Snape filter, Snape’s a lot slower on the uptake than I always imagined.
Snape is seated next to Voldemort. Yaxley is down with the other redshirts. At least they’re all at the same table. At the Order of the Phoenix meetings, the seating was probably by House affliation. Which meant that Snape had to sit by himself at a card table.
Snape has brought the super-exciting news that the Order is moving Harry Potter out of 4 Privet Drive on a particular date. Voldemort makes sure to ask if Snape used the source they discussed. Honestly, this news doesn’t sound interesting enough to hold the meeting for. And, now that I know that the “source” is Mundungus Fletcher, I wonder why Voldemort puts any stock in the information at all.
Yaxley, of course, thinks that he has better information, since he got it from the Ministry. Snape notes that the Order doesn’t trust the Ministry. It really seems like the Death Eaters should know all this stuff already. But, we should thank them for getting all the new readers up to speed on plot. “The Ministry is nearly ours,” Yaxley says. Snape adds, “Yes, but Harry Potter doesn’t trust the Ministry, and he’s got his own bodyguard, and he has a long history with Voldemort, and we’re trying to kill him. Got that?”
Oh, and here’s something that confuses me. If Voldemort has Harry’s blood in him, then can’t he get through the blood protection on 4 Privet Drive? Why did they take Harry back there to begin with? Why not just move him into hiding right after the funeral? Why not just have him camp out at Hogwarts with its extra-special wards and 100 willing Elf Slaves?
Reading through this slowly, I see that the Ministry and Order are working somewhat together—in that the Ministry has put some protection on the Burrow (and other safe houses). Apparently, the Death Eaters will need to take over the Ministry before they can break those protections. Nice to know that the Ministry isn’t completely useless.
Yaxley has, with great diffculty, placed an Imperius Curse on Pius Thicknesse, one of the Ministers. I wonder why it was so difficult? Seems like all you have to do is wave your wand and shout “Imperio!”
Is it just me, or does the name “Pius Thicknesse” sound like a pope?
The Ministry can track when Harry Potter Apparates or uses the Floo Network. We know from OotP, that fireplaces can be watched—although, can all fireplaces be watched at the same time? And, is that Apparition tracking done to all wizards or just underage ones? Or just Harry Potter? (Cause you’d think they’d be watching Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, too, later on.)
Voldemort makes the very convenient statement that he needs to be the one to kill Harry Potter. This shows once again how little logic the wizards have, since, logically speaking, he doesn’t. And, since his wand is handicapped against Harry’s wand, it would be a lot easier to just send someone else to kill Harry. However, Voldemort has these sharks with lasers mounted on their heads that he’s just dying to use, so… we’ll be patient and wait until they can meet up.
Unless Harry gets killed by stepping up a jagged broken teacup in the meantime.
The important business over, Voldemort takes the time to humiliate first Lucius by confiscating his wand, and then Bellatrix by mentioning her niece’s marriage to a werewolf. This is probably in order to engage our sympathies for Lupin and Tonks, now that they are being targeted for death! Unfortunately, I’m too distracted by the weirdness of this elite group of terrorists gossiping about who gets to babysit the werewolf cubs to take the threat seriously.
Next Voldemort draws everyone’s attention to the figure revolving above the table. We finally learn that this is Charity Burbage, Professor of Muggle Studies at Hogwarts. This is probably an attempt on Voldemort’s part to humiliate Snape in some way. Maybe he’s waiting for Snape to ask for Charity to be spared. But Snape isn’t that easy. He’s faced the Marauders, damnit. Next to them, Voldemort’s humiliation skills are nil.
Incidentally, Voldemort asks Draco if he recognizes Burbage, and Draco shakes his head. That would indicate that Draco doesn’t take Muggle Studies. On the other hand, he acts like he recognizes her. As he will in later chapters, Draco walks a fine line between the Draco we love and some random stranger with polyjuice potion and a handful of white-blond hairs.
I can’t help wondering if Charity’s robes were falling down while she was hanging upside-down. Did everyone see her underwear? Let’s hope she wore slacks.
Finally—at some point before DH came out, I predicted that, if Snape were DDM, we’d see him do something evil near the beginning of the book, just to set up the final twist when he turns out to be good later on. I’d be proud of my prophetic ability if it weren’t just plain obvious as a plot ploy.
A short note: I don't grok the Jabootu scores, so instead I thought I'd keep track of Fan Service (where JKR gave shout outs to fan expectations and Fan Slappage (where she killed various theories or ships). Plus, because I'm silly, I'm putting in a missing scene from each chapter as a DVD Extra.
Fan Service:
There is a Mafoy Manor. It even has peacocks on the lawn!
Fan Slappage:
No, Draco didn’t take Muggle Studies. Stop trying to make him interesting!
DVD Extras:
EXT: Night - Malfoy Manor
The wind is whipping through the trees, making them dance in the moonlight. A title card comes up:
SIX WEEKS EARLIER
Two figures appear from out of nowhere and begin striding towards the manor house. One is easily distinguished by his pale, almost white-blond hair. The other is dark, scowling, and holding his injured arm gingerly.
DRACO
You did it! I can’t believe you did it!
Draco touches Snape hesitantly on the shoulder. Snape turns, surprised.
SNAPE
Hurry up. The Dark Lord will be waiting.
DRACO
Mother said you were protecting me. I… I didn’t believe her. Thank—
SNAPE
Don’t thank me. I didn’t do it for you.
DRACO
Then why did you do it?
Snape’s attention is drawn to something over Draco’s shoulder. A look of wistful pain crosses his face. Draco, curious, turns to look.
A DOE AND FAWN are nibbling at the grass in a pool of moon light.
Snape turns away abruptly.
SNAPE
I did it for… never mind. Come on!
He runs up the stairs, two at a time. Draco stares at the deer.
DRACO
You did it for Bambi’s mother?
FADE OUT
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Part Two
Date: 2009-05-13 09:58 pm (UTC)The bitter word – I agree that Harry would have leapt in to save Charity - inevitably leading to her death, and that of several other innocents (but not HIS death, oh no). I’ve just seen the new Star Trek film, and it’s interesting to compare Snape to the determinedly controlled and brilliant Spock and Harry to the gung-ho, spontaneous Kirk. It’s interesting, but wrong. Spock/Snape always being cool with the occasional outbursts of emotion is fair enough. However Kirk acting the rebel usually has a happy ending due to his innate brilliance and suitability to lead. Harry’s lack of judgement leads to the death of his godfather, the first free House Elf in centuries and the brutal torture of a best friend. Ron must have been relieved that the war ended when it did. Harry Potter – what an inspiration!
** Bambi’s mother – mwah! Plus it’s a shame Snape didn’t ask Voldemort to just stun Lily. Voldemort would have been fine with that as he’d have granted Snape’s wish with no trouble to himself. Lily and her ancient magic would have been neutralized, Harry would have been toast, and Snape would have his prize. Still, we all have our off days.
Re: Part Two
Date: 2009-05-14 04:57 am (UTC)Yeah, I don't think Harry is like Kirk. I think Harry's pretty mediocre all around. That's about the best thing I can say about him.
Sadly, I haven't seen the new "Star Trek" yet. :(
Re: Part Two
Date: 2009-05-14 04:09 pm (UTC)Re: Part Two
Date: 2009-07-07 02:45 pm (UTC)