PoA Chapter Two

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

That’s Aunt Marge’s Big Mistake, not Harry’s. You might get confused when he starts blowing people up.

So the Dursleys have bought Dudley a happy summer present. A new TV in the kitchen so he doesn’t have to walk too far from fridge to TV. I hope Dudley doesn’t become overweight from such a sedentary, high-fat lifestyle.

Harry has no interest in TV and never misses it when he’s at school. Neither does Hermione. Exploding Snap FTW! (Seriously, that’s how they spend their time instead. When they’re not polishing narrow sticks of wood.)

Dudley has piggy eyes and five wobbling chins and eats continually. All sure signs of a lazy, greedy character.

Vernon shows a rare flash of logic when he complains the TV news hasn’t told anyone where Sirius Black has escaped from, so they have little way of knowing where he might be. Unfortunately this is only to draw attention to it for us so we’re prepared to learn he escaped from Azkaban.

I say a flash of logic because let’s face it, this kind of report would demand telling viewers exactly what this guy did and when and why nobody’s ever heard of him if he’s the scariest criminal ever.

Harry disdainfully thinks that Petunia would love to call the hotline number. You have to give her a break there, Harry. Muggles lives are really boring. We don’t have half as many sticks to polish.

Vernon goes on about capital punishment, being all conservative and setting himself against Harry’s more liberal view of granting people total absolution based on what their choices show him they are, and the cozy knowledge that those who oppose him will be punished forever in the afterlife. Those in between will be punished by Hermione with facial scarring.

Harry’s been forced to call Aunt Marge “Aunt” all his life despite not being blood related to her. On the one hand—so what? Otoh, that’s strange for the Dursleys, isn’t it? Wouldn’t they make a point of not letting Harry call her the same thing as Dudley since Harry’s not actually their child?

Aunt Marge rarely leaves her house because she can’t stand to leave her precious dogs, the adjective there making it clear that she cares about them more than people. Ironically, compared to Hagrid she’s a reasonable pet owner.

Ripper kept Harry treed until past midnight? I’m surprised the dog didn’t wind up strewn all over England via accidental magic. And that no neighbors came by and put a stop to that.

The Dursleys are far too nice to Dudley and far too mean to Harry. If they could only balance the two, they’d be good parents.

I’m impressed Vernon was able to find a Victorian school for Incurably Criminal Boys in the late 20th century to which he could pretend to send Harry. Unless he made up the name himself, in which case I’m impressed by his Dickensian turn of phrase.

Harry is also genuinely impressive in bargaining with Vernon to sign his permission form. Until he forgets to make Vernon sign the form right then and there. D’oh! So close, Harry!

Hedwig looks reproachfully at Harry for telling her to clear off. Get used to getting screwed in this relationship, Hedwig.

Aunt Marge has a moustache. Why am I not surprised?

You know who won’t be growing any moustaches later in life? Ginny Weasley Potter that’s who!

Let’s pause and take a snapshot of Dudley walking—I mean waddling—down the hall. His hair’s plastered to his fat head and his bow tie is barely visible under those many chins. He also has a fat fist. He’s just a big blobby thing jiggling through the house, that Dudley. I’m shocked he never actually fell through the floor.

Aunt Petunia quietly dies inside watching Ripper drool on the kitchen floor. She hates animals, which doesn’t speak well of her. To be fair, I love animals and I’m not so fond of bodily fluids on the kitchen floor either.

Marge owns a dog with an evil-tempered bulldog that chases Harry. The theme of animals and their pet owners who don’t take responsibility for them is starting off strong!

Btw, when Harry got treed by Ripper? It was for accidentally treading on his tail. So we’ve already had one example of a kid accidentally provoking an animal attack by being careless. Only in one case the animal’s a jerk and so is his owner and in the other the animal’s a victim and so is his owner. Guess which is which?

Harry tries to smile at Aunt Marge and gets accused of smirking. Can’t help but make me wonder if this explains why Slytherins are incapable of smiling normally. A smirk is in the eye of the beholder.

Aunt Marge goes off on namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. Is this one of these cases where we spend the first couple of chapters criticizing the Dursleys for attitudes we’ll celebrate once we get to Hogwarts? Because Harry et al. totally agree with Marge here.

Speaking of which, Aunt Marge with her Colonel neighbors and bulldogs seems like she’d adore Hogwarts. But since she doesn’t belong there according to her blood, she ought to just stop that.

Aunt Marge on breeding: If there’s something wrong with the bitch, there’ll be something wrong with the pup —” I hope everyone’s paying attention here. This is exactly the type of thing that’s going to be proven so incredibly untrue in the rest of the…oh, wait. That’s mostly true to an alarming degree. Err…Sirius Black! Sirius was the white sheep of his family! Totally proves heredity is nothing! Pay no attention to everyone else!

Maybe I’ve read too much slash, because I wish Harry would find some other way to keep his mind off Aunt Marge than by thinking about do it yourself broomstick care.

Last night of the visit: Everybody has a huge face except Harry. It’s like Harry the teaspoon at a table with three frying pans. And a horse. (That’s Petunia.)

Harry starts to lose it over Marge’s words about his father, though sadly I can’t really empathize with him. Obviously she’s being rude and cruel, but it just feels like one of those moments where you say: Look, you know it’s not true, so don’t let it bother you. Especially since the guy Marge is describing is in some ways an improvement over the real James.

At least Harry’s more recognizable when he’s overcome with rage.

Aunt Marge also has piggy eyes. It must be a Dursley trait. Or a fat people trait. Their eyes are either piggy or gooseberry. Their eyes either sink into or pop out of the fat on their fat faces.

Petunia and Lily, of course, have no resemblance to each other at all. Given the way looks seem to work in this series, I wonder if one Evans parent was really homely and the other really attractive.

Now that he’s started going berserk, Harry figures he might as well go completely psycho and points his wand at everybody. Sectumsempra! Oh wait, he doesn’t know that one yet. Damn!

“She deserved it!” Harry says. Let’s have none of that namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not blowing up people who deserve it!

Unfortunately this incident will require yet another Ministry scene, because remember, the government only exists to irritate YOU.

Btw, Vernon has been bitten by Ripper, so we’ve also already had our first animal attack.

It is a very nice image of Harry leaving the house with his ridiculous bird cage and broom, dragging his trunk with him, probably huffing angrily down the street and getting no further than half a block before he has to stop.

Things that happen twice:

Harry and Vernon would both like Marge to control Ripper. Later we’ll see similar problems with Crookshanks (and Buckbeak). Aunt Marge refuses to believe her pet could do wrong, the same attitude taken by Hagrid, Hermione and Ron in the book.

The book starts with Harry resenting having to call Aunt Marge family when she’s not. He’ll end the book by meeting his only real family in canon, a guy who isn’t actually related to him.

The Ripper incident remembered here will again appear in OotP when Snape teaches (or tries to teach) Harry Occlumency.

Aunt Marge’s thoughts on dog breeding, and the resemblance of the 3 biological Dursleys, are setting up a book that introduces backstory about James where Snape will see resemblances between him and Harry.

Aunt Marge falsely accuses James of being a good-for-nothing—false accusations will be a theme throughout the book (Crookshanks, Sirius, and everyone keeps claiming Buckbeak).

It’s a gun. No it isn’t! It’s Chekov! No it isn’t!

Azkaban
The Wizard prison, Goyle. Honestly, if you were any slower you’d be going backwards.
Status: Misfire. It comes up a lot, but we never go there. We hear it will drive anyone mad, but people keep returning from it no worse for wear.

Sirius Black
Status: Fired and missed! He turned out to be an important guy from Harry’s past, but had no part to play in Dumbledore’s plan, so got shoved out of the book through a curtain—which is also a dud. The veil, that is.




The Borgnine Proviso
He’s playing Aunt Marge.

Informed Attributes
This chapter is a great early example of the kind of violent love Harry will become known for in later books.

Jason’s Rule of Explosive Endings
Well, eventually he had to blow something up to get out of the house, after all. Might as well be Marge.

Jabootu Score: 3

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Petunia seriously must have done something awful in a past life to get the hand she was dealt in the present. Even if she was a nicer person her personality would probably be awful compared to Lily's.