Harry Potter Abridged! POA Chapter 1
Aug. 12th, 2011 01:00 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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deathtocapslockAlright, time to start posting POA chapters!! (Just one more book and then we get to have a great time tearing the last four to shreds!)
[Harry is in his bed, reading books about magic in private.]
Harry: Tum de dum, I’m just sitting here laughing about the fact that apparently Muggles in medieval times couldn’t execute any real witches and the only people they managed to kill were other Muggles. Incidentally, I wonder how Wizards escaped from hangings? Gee, the hideously abusive Dursleys are exactly like those medieval Muggles, you know?
[One day, Ron Weasley attempts to call the Dursleys on the phone.]
Ron: HELLOOOOOOOO, MUGGLES! ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A TELEPHONE!
Vernon: You’re beyond the level of idiot! [Hangs up]
[From then on, Harry receives no more phone calls.]
[On Harry’s thirteenth birthday, he gets messages from Hedwig and Errol.]
Harry: It looks as though Ron’s family’s come into some money so they’re taking a vacation. I’m so glad my virtuously poor friends who have practically adopted me have money. Gee, Ron’s letter uses Muggle as a veiled insult, and suggests that pyramids were built by Wizards since there’s so many curses in the tombs his brother Bill plunders.
[Harry also gets a Pocket Sneakoscope from Ron and a broom-care kit from Hermione.]
Harry: Oh, the irony!
[The last parcel is from Hagrid.]
Harry: This must be the course book I’m supposed to use from Care of Magical Magic Creatures. Hmm... it has teeth. Go figure! [Reads Hagrid’s card] You know, every single wizard so far has called the Dursleys Muggles without so much as mentioning their names. Oh, well, they are abusive so they deserve everything they get.
[The book runs away and hides.]
Harry: Whatever. Oh, I’ve also got a letter from Professor McGonagall. [He opens the letter and reads it.] WTF?! She knows perfectly well that my guardians are abusive and she still wants me to get a permission slip signed to go to Hogsmeade?! Oh, well, at least I can still sneak there illegally! I’m so glad that these Wizards remember it’s my birthday! Wizards are so much nicer than Muggles!
[Harry is in his bed, reading books about magic in private.]
Harry: Tum de dum, I’m just sitting here laughing about the fact that apparently Muggles in medieval times couldn’t execute any real witches and the only people they managed to kill were other Muggles. Incidentally, I wonder how Wizards escaped from hangings? Gee, the hideously abusive Dursleys are exactly like those medieval Muggles, you know?
[One day, Ron Weasley attempts to call the Dursleys on the phone.]
Ron: HELLOOOOOOOO, MUGGLES! ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE THAT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A TELEPHONE!
Vernon: You’re beyond the level of idiot! [Hangs up]
[From then on, Harry receives no more phone calls.]
[On Harry’s thirteenth birthday, he gets messages from Hedwig and Errol.]
Harry: It looks as though Ron’s family’s come into some money so they’re taking a vacation. I’m so glad my virtuously poor friends who have practically adopted me have money. Gee, Ron’s letter uses Muggle as a veiled insult, and suggests that pyramids were built by Wizards since there’s so many curses in the tombs his brother Bill plunders.
[Harry also gets a Pocket Sneakoscope from Ron and a broom-care kit from Hermione.]
Harry: Oh, the irony!
[The last parcel is from Hagrid.]
Harry: This must be the course book I’m supposed to use from Care of Magical Magic Creatures. Hmm... it has teeth. Go figure! [Reads Hagrid’s card] You know, every single wizard so far has called the Dursleys Muggles without so much as mentioning their names. Oh, well, they are abusive so they deserve everything they get.
[The book runs away and hides.]
Harry: Whatever. Oh, I’ve also got a letter from Professor McGonagall. [He opens the letter and reads it.] WTF?! She knows perfectly well that my guardians are abusive and she still wants me to get a permission slip signed to go to Hogsmeade?! Oh, well, at least I can still sneak there illegally! I’m so glad that these Wizards remember it’s my birthday! Wizards are so much nicer than Muggles!
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-13 11:26 pm (UTC)Actually, there were estimated to be about nine million victims.
Not to mention, in some parts of the world, people are still being executed as witches (hell, some kids in the US have died of their parents' attempts to drive out demons). This is a current event... But this? Is making light of people dying right now.
Not to mention that I'm sure I'm not the only one who read these books who has ancestors who were executed for witchcraft and/or heresy. She's treating our tragic family history like a joke. Such heartwarming tolerance these books promote! /sarcasm
And it doesn't even make sense.
Hey, this is JKR! What else do you expect? ; )
no subject
Date: 2011-08-14 03:50 pm (UTC)Maybe next time she writes a spinoff FBaWtFT-style book she can put in something about how the Viking raids were wacky fun and not horrifically devastating at all. No magical nuns were attacked, never fear! I really wouldn't put it past her. And we'll just have to hope she doesn't comment on other continents.) *shudder*