Harry Potter Abridged! GOF Chapter 3

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

[Life at the Dursleys goes on as usual.]


Petunia: Alright, come and get your tasty, nutritious grapefruit for breakfast!

Dudley: But Muuuuuuuuum, this is destroying my propensity to act like a nasty, slobbish, lazy Fatty McFatfat!

Petunia: Orders from your school nurse so quit your complaining!

Harry: Cheer up, Dudley- if you can get thinner you just might turn out to be an alright guy!

[Just then, Vernon gets a letter from the Weasleys.]

Vernon: Not this shit again.... Harry, we need to talk!

[Vernon drags Harry to the living room.]

Vernon: So... yeah. Those wizard friends of yours sent me a letter: “Dear Mr. Muggle. We want to take Harry to the Quidditch World Cup. We will take Harry there NO MATTER WHAT! Signed, Mrs. Weasley. PS: If we used too many of your bliddy stamps you can pay the cost.”

Harry: Well that’s saying something considering the envelope is covered in stamps!

Vernon: Do your friends have any idea that they look positively functionally retarded?

Harry: Well, they say the same thing about you.

Vernon: So who is this Mrs. Weasley, anyway?

Harry: She’s my best friend’s mother, of course!

Vernon: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. And... what is Quidditch?

Harry: It’s a game played on broomsticks that every one of us loves even though it makes no sense.

Vernon: Honestly, the stories you bring under our roof. You’re mighty ungrateful, considering everything we’ve done with you over the years.

Harry: Yeah, well... you guys are abusive! Oh, by the way, I’ve been telling my mass-murderer godfather that.

Vernon: ...Are you serious?

Harry: Yeah, he’s not happy. So let me go to my friends the Weasleys’ or I’ll tell him about the time you beat me with all sorts of-

Vernon: We did no such thing!

Harry: He doesn’t know it!

Vernon: Aye, aye, aye... alright, go hang out with your wizard friends, then! See if we care!

Harry: Alright, then I will!

[Harry then returns to his room to gorge himself on the sweets that his friends sent him.]

Harry: [Excessively twee] Ooh, goodie! I gets my sweeties today! I shall rise above the oppression- starting with my delicious birthday cakes that my friendses have sented me! *Gurgles* By the way, these cakes really should be getting rotten or moldy by now, but whatever.

[Just then, a tiny gray owl enters the room with a letter.]

Harry: You’re Ron’s owl, aren’t you? This is interesting. It says here, that they’ll be picking me up at five on sunday. Hermione is going to stay with them as well- convenient! Oh, and Percy is boringer and stupider than ever. Why do I get the feeling every single one of these events is orchestrated to get my trio together?

[Harry writes his eager reply and sends it back with the little owl, Pig, before sending Sirius a note with Hedwig explaining everything that’s been going on.]

Comments

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I seriously want to know what Percy did that he deserves this abuse. My elder brother got a job much like that, and yes, he talked about it all the time and it's annoying, but no more annoying than discussing pranks or quidditch half the time.

[oryx_leucoryx]

What Percy did? He grew up. Which is treason to childish pranksters with Peter Pan syndrome.

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

Honestly, that always annoyed me. If you work hard, you're a bad person. If you want to achieve things, you are a bad person. But if you just enjoy life, things will happen.

People train for years and years in Quidditch? Harry is just naturally brilliant at it.

The twins barely study in school and chuck authority. George and Ron become the owners of a joke shop that is "a real money-spinner." How many people need joke products in this society that they can become millionares?

Bill may have had Percy's achievements but he didn't WORK for them, he's cool. Because who wants to work for academics?

Hermione may be brilliant and hard working, but Harry does brilliantly by intuition.

Anyone who is serious is usually bad and that annoys me.

[wolf-willow31.livejournal.com]

It's worse than annoying. It's irresponsible of the author.

People made a big deal out of these books getting kids to read, but in the books themselves, the only one who reads much is Hermione, and she's made fun of for it. And homework? Again, nobody but Hermione actually does any; the rest of them just copy hers.

And then there's dropping out of school. The books seem to advocate it. The twins and the trio both did it, and everything came up roses for them anyway.

Role models? What role models?

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I do notice it's the house of brave people and not the nerdy near invisible Ravenclaws who have the glory. Hufflepuffs are red-shirts. Slytherins are evil.

Homework is for nerds.

Rules are for nerds.

Regulations are for nerds.

And as for dropping out of school in war...yeah, that makes sense, but they should go back once they can.

[oryx_leucoryx]

I'm convinced that if only Harry had ended up anywhere but Gryffindor (and with a mentor other than Twinkles) the whole Voldieplot would have been resolved sooner (and possibly with significantly less involvement from Harry, who would ave had a more normal school experience).

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

That's a huge problem which horrified me, the rampent unchecked bullying in the school that's almost tacitly endrosed. I'd have been dead in Hogwarts, I seriously would have been targeted as much as you. I sucked at sports, I wasn't especially popular and I liked to read. Maybe I'd have been a happy little Ravenclaw with no semblance of plot, but In Gryffindor, I'd be eaten alive.

It will come up in two chapters, but no authority figures ARE strict but fair. Molly's twins run roughshod on her and her attempts to disciplne are more for a joke. McGonagall may call for order, but her students are the most disordered ones in the school. Yes, we see her try to discipline in year one when the students are caught out of bounds, but the punishment seems just plot service.

The problem is, JKR can't write parody and reality together and expect us to distinguish.

Dursleys? Straight out of Roald Dahl to the point where I was looking for a magical chocolate factory.
The school is meant to be a parody of the school we all had, that teacher who was ancient and old and droned on and on and called you by your dad's name.

Problem is, then you can't take her seriously when she says Dumbledore's a great guy.

[terri-testing.livejournal.com]

Re: Minerva.

To be fair, this is what she said of the Marauders: "Black and Potter. Ringleaders of their little gang. Both very bright of course--exceptionally bright, in fact--but I don't think we've ever had such a pair of troublemakers--"

It's Hagrid who compares them favorably to the Twins.

And Minerva doesn't actually seem to like the Twins that much either, however well they play Quidditch and however much that excuses things in her eyes.

Remember her reaction the one time a twin was brutal right under her nose. (Beating up Malfoy after the Quidditch game, OotP)


She was wearing a Gryffindor scarf, but tore it from her throat with shaking hands as she strode toward them, looking livid.

"In!" she said furiously... quivering with rage as she threw the Gryffindor scarf aside onto the floor.

"Well?" she said."I have never seen such a disgraceful exhibition. Two onto one! Explain yourselves!"

"Malfoy provoked us," said Harry stiffly.

"Provoked you?" shouted Professor McGonagall, slamming a fist onto her desk so that her tartan biscuit tin slid sideways off it and burst open, littering the floor with Ginger Newts. "He'd just lost, hadn't he, of course he wanted to provoke you!"

They explain to her the nature of the provocation, and she "bellows" at them in return.

I don't know what the usual punishment for assault would be, but Draco wasn't hurt, and given how light most Hogwarts punishments seem to be, a week's worth of detentions as a start seems consistent. (Harry got 6 Saturday morning detentions from Snape for almost killing Draco the next year.)

So, yes, Minerva's guilty of favoritism towards her house and of giving preferential treatment to Quidditch stars, but she DOESN'T like bullies or bullying, and I think if she'd been given any administrativae support she'd have tried to eliminate it.

And she does show off Hermione's good work in the first Transfigurations class and award her "a rare smile." And Minerva's the one who interceded with the Ministry of Magic to get Hermione the Time-Turner 3rd year, calling her a model student. (Which she may have done for Percy as well--how many OWLs and NEWTs did he pass?) And Minerva indirectly praised Hermione to Harry in that interview when she warned him to keep his head down around Umbridge.

And, who did choose Percy as prefect? Surely not Dumbles.

So, we have some evidence that she likes bright and studious pupils--she's just terrible at producing them, or at least at making her house behave when not under her direct gaze. But the only time we ever saw her actually root for chaos over order was under Umbridge.

But I repeat--with administrative support, which would include pointing out where she's not as impartial as she likes to think she is, she might have been a decent teacher.

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

Of course, JKR apparently hates history, so it's no wonder that she has it being taught by a dull, out of touch teacher who is also undead for some reason. What's weird is that most real life history teachers I have met are quite passionate about their subject and really go out of their way to try to show students that it isn't just a mindless jumble of names and dates.

But then, the approach that is taken to history at Hogwarts is pretty much the same as the approach for most of the other classes- memorize some stuff and parrot it back, possibly with the use of a wand. I guess I can't blame Binns for being dull- the only difference between his class and say, Transfiguration is that there isn't any animal cruelty to entertain the kids with.

I'm a historian and know that the first thing any oppressive regime does is to destroy and rewrite history books and install teachers who will only teach what is 'politically approved'

Well said. This is part of why I am so strongly opposed to censorship- it takes away the right of the people to know what actually happened. Though I suppose the fact that I want to go into Library and Information Science probably has a lot to do with it too. ;-)

[condwiramurs.livejournal.com]

You know I agree with you totally on the whole issue of Slytherins as Evil/Gryffindors as Elect. What really makes me ragey in particular though is (as I think you've pointed out elsewhere) JKR uses pasted-on Nazi imagery as a cheap way to get us to confuse Slytherins and Death Eaters and thus hate them all, but then turns around and characterizes Slytherins as untrustworthy and threatening but weak using *classic* antisemitic stereotypes. (Which of course she also uses for the goblins....) That makes me want to break things.

[Sidenote: TBH, I am uncomfortable with the use of "whore" as a derogatory term, in any situation. But on everything else I am with you here. Dumbledore is possibly the only character in the series I truly hate.]

[sunnyskywalker]

Even if you leave the early books as-is, I could see a good author writing Harry as a badly damaged kid who nevertheless has a chance to grow and heal some (you know, working on imagining how others feel and realizing they're important for their own sake, learning to analyze others' actions to realize that someone disagreeing with you doesn't necessarily hate you and want to get you and might eve be right, that sort of thing). And it could go tragically, with it clearly shown how the Hogwarts experience damages him further to the point where he's dangerous (excuse me, "gallant"), or you could go the happy ending route where he does do better. Either would have been better than what we got.

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

Don't apologize! I enjoy your rants. :-)

[leniarianna.livejournal.com]

I love your rants, too. I've learned a great deal from reading them over the years.

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I love your rants!

[condwiramurs.livejournal.com]

Fourthing the enjoyment of rants!

[oneandthetruth.livejournal.com]

To paraphrase a classic Smokey Robinson song, I fifth that emotion. You also do yourself an injustice: Calling yourself "Verbal Diarrhea Girl" implies what you're saying is crap, but it's not. Seriously, one of the pleasures of writing my song parody, "Love Died," was in imagining what you'd have to say about it. Then you didn't even comment. I was so disappointed! :-(

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I suppose in year 1, a dark Lord tumor wouldn't be running around school and a highly dangerous magical object wouldn;t be used as bait in a place filled with children, and the ward puzzles would be sufficently hard that three 1st years could do it working together.

In year 2, a competent professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts would be hired and Harry would have mentioned he's hearing strange voices and can talk to snakes and a professor would have put it together and armed himself with a rooster.

In year 4, an imposter DaDA teacher would be noted and removed. A tournement risking the life of an underage student would be cancelled.

Is that what you mean?

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

How many people need joke products in this society that they can become millionares?

Remember, this is a society that loves muggle-baiting. I'm sure there's a pretty huge demand.

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I think I am going to be sick. Those poor muggles being abused like that and not knowing the cause or the solution.

Shudder.

[charlottehywd.livejournal.com]

I think I am going to be sick.

Good, that shows that you are a good person and not a sociopath like JKR's so-called heroes. ;-)

Still, it's pretty disgusting to think about. Moreso that there are multitudes of fans who will defend these books no matter how morally repugnant they are.

[dungeonwriter.livejournal.com]

I think I'm of two minds. One, she's a billionare so she must be doing something right, but...

Two. When you're wrong, you're wrong. ANd here, she's just wrong.

I hate bullies. I hate people who mistreat others for kicks. And most of all, I can't stand people who use their power to hurt others. Wizards who abuse muggles need their wands snapped.

[sunnyskywalker]

Ugh, yes. Being concerned about the welfare of a bunch of people you've never met, and not wanting unscrupulous people to mislead your entire country about the safety of their products, is boring and treason to the joy of life, or something. Never mind all the people who might get blown up if wizarding Britain starts importing substandard cauldrons falsely advertized to be safe. (I guess you should just intuit which are the good cauldrons? Or suck it up?) And clearly there is no use in promoting international cooperation when you could be hating on their athletes instead. Plus, it involves paperwork, which clearly must be boring and useless by definition, and no Real Wizard could find any sense of purpose or pride in it.

Also, looking up to a competent boss means you are a suck-up and a dupe with a faulty conscience. Unless your boss is Dumbledore. Or you are any of the dozens of other people who worked with your boss for much longer than you have and yet also did not see anything wrong, which is somehow okay for everyone except you. And there is no reason to keep working for a problematic boss like Fudge or Scrimgeor - you couldn't possibly reasonably think that you could do more good trying to work within the system using their resources, or that you might be able to influence and persuade people positively if you stay, and no way could you maybe know something Harry et al. don't about those bosses that puts them in a better light. (Like, oh, something about Stan Shunpike.) And there's no way the situation could change so that you were actually right about it being better to stay initially but wrong after a couple of years have passed - it's all or nothing, forever. (And we still don't know what Percy was up to that last year; he might well have been an effective secret agent, whether for someone else or as a solo freelancer.)

I find it so frustrating that these kinds of characters get such bad press. See also: Felix Gaeta from Battlestar Galactica. (How was he supposed to know secrets about Baltar no one else knew either? How was he supposed to know that settling in a hidden location was the wrong thing to do and that they should have dragged the entire human race around some more because they Had A Destiny, their only inkling of which is some religious prophecy their leader believes because of drug-induced hallucinations and some ancient planetarium show? And why does he get slammed for being an apparent-collaborator-but-really-spy during the resistance while others get passes for blowing themselves up, killing their wives, or running away for months and leaving their friends for dead?)