Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 36

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Harry: So…does this mean Sirius is dead? He’s really gone for good?

Lupin: Yes, it does.

Harry: AAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM?! HOW WILL I GO ON?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY EMPTY AND RUINED WITHOUT HIM!

Lupin: That’s just the grief talking. Or rather, capslocking.

Harry: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Lupin: Because you’re the main character and therefore you’ll pull through.

Neville: Say, Harry, just who was that man?

Harry: It’s none of your business, Navel!

Neville: [Buries face in hands] You’re hopeless.

Lupin: Now that you’re here, where are the others?

Neville: Well Hermione’s unconscious somehow, and Ron’s slowly being throttled by an evil brain, but other than that, I think they’re alright!

[Just then, Bellatrix comes in, dueling Kingsley!]

Harry: IT’S HER! SHE KILLED SIRIUS! NOW SHE MUST PAY! [Looses himself from Lupin’s grip]

Lupin: This is not going to end well.

[Harry chases Bellatrix into the room with the brains]

Bellatrix: You honestly think you can challenge me? That’s a laugh.

[She casts a spell that smashes the case with the brains, and they begin to swarm around Harry]

Harry: Ooh! Will they make me smarter?

[They start attempting to grab him]

Harry: …Never mind....

[He picks himself up and runs after Bellatrix again, this time catching an elevator that takes him up to the main floor]

Harry: Well at least I’m rid of all that weird and creepy stuff down below! Hopefully this fight will be a bit more normal from now on!

[He finds Bellatrix waiting for him]

Bellatrix: Surprise!

Harry: Aha! I’ve got you now!

Bellatrix: Oh, really?

[She aims another spell at Harry, forcing him to duck behind the statue in the fountain]

Bellatrix: You honestly think you can hide from me behind that thing?

Harry: No. But I know I can make you suffer! Crucio!

Bellatrix: Ha! That power does not work on me because I can tell you don’t really mean it! You have to mean to cause pain, see!

Harry: Oh, really! I’ll keep that in mind for next time.

Bellatrix: Wait…you’re still considering using this most evil of curses that can drive its victims insane?

Harry: Maybe. Maybe not.

Bellatrix: …Never mind. Here, I’ll show you how it’s done! Crucio!

[Harry is just able to duck behind the statue, causing Bellatrix to blow the centaur’s arm off instead]

Bellatrix: Huh. I didn’t know it could do that. No matter! I’m still much stronger than you are! I could kill you any time I want!

Harry: Oh, no you couldn’t! You’ve underestimated me! Stupefy!

Bellatrix: Protego!

[This time, the goblin loses an ear]

Harry: What? How can these spells that have nothing to do with blowing up inanimate objects blow up inanimate objects in this way?!

Bellatrix: I’m as confused by it as you are. Oh, well! Give me the prophecy and I might even spare your life. Maybe!

Harry: Oh, that prophecy? It’s been destroyed.

Bellatrix: What?

Harry: It smashed in the last chapter.

Bellatrix: No! How could it?!

Harry: It did!

Bellatrix: HOW DARE YOU!? I WAS GIVEN EXPLICIT ORDERS TO GET IT FOR MY MASTER!

Harry: Ow! You capslocking is giving me a headache! Oh, wait, that’s my scar.

Voldemort: Lord Voldemort has arrived! Bwahahahaha!

Harry and Bellatrix: WHAT?!

Bellatrix: Master, I’m so sorry the prophecy was smashed!

Voldemort: Whatever. Now that you have brought Harry Potter to me, it will be simple for me to finish him off! Avada Kedavra!

[But before the attack can hit Harry, one of the statues jumps in front of him, and the spell cannot penetrate it]

Harry: Hooray! Now the inanimate objects in the setting are coming to my rescue because I’m just that awesome!

Voldemort: I can’t believe I’m being foiled by a broken-down statue! Me!

Dumbledore: Hello Tom Rid!

Voldemort: Oh, it’s you. That explains it. And my name is not Tom Rid!

Dumbledore: Well it used to be. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Voldemort: That’s Tom Riddle to you, and anyway I no longer go by that name! Or have you honestly forgotten that?

Dumbledore: Whatever, Tommy. Run along home if you want to avoid getting arrested by the aurors.

Voldemort: Run away?! From you?! I don’t think so! Avada Kedavra!

[Dumbledore is able to evade the curse, which instead sets a desk behind him on fire]

Voldemort: WHAT?! How in the hell could this super-powerful killing curse miss its target?!

Dumbledore: Don’t take it personally, Tiny Tom, I’m just so awesome I bend the rules of the universe around my amazing specialness.

Voldemort: Aaaargh you are so infuriating!

Dumbledore: I know. It’s my best quality. [He aims a spell at Voldemort, but Voldemort easily deflects it]

Voldemort: That was pathetic! Why won’t you attempt to use the killing curse on me? Are you too noble?

Dumbledore: It’s not that I’m too noble, it’s just that there are other ways of destroying you that are even better!

Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?

Dumbledore: I’m not going to tell you that—if I did it would spoil the fun!

Voldemort: Well…two can play at that game, you know! I’ve invented so many horrible ways of killing people--!

Dumbledore: Whoever said anything about killing?

Voldemort: Ah…didn’t you say you were going to destroy me?

Dumbledore: Well yes, but not kill you.

Voldemort: What could be worse than killing me, though?

Dumbledore: There are worse things than death.

Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?! …Wait a minute, why are we having a philosophical discussion when we’re supposed to be fighting?! Take this! Avada Kedavra!

[This time his attack’s blocked by the centaur statue]

Voldemort: These damn statues!

[Dumbledore creates a fiery rope with his wand, which Voldemort transforms into a snake]

Voldemort: While you’re distracted…Avada Kedavra!

Fawkes: To the rescue! [Eats Voldemort’s spell]

Voldemort: That damn bird! Dumbledore, it’s not a fair fight unless you face me one on one, brawn against brawn!

Dumbledore: It’s not my fault you’ve got no friends to hide behind!

[He encases Voldemort in the fountain’s water, but unfortunately Harry’s scar is getting worse, and he feels like he’s bound to a snake]

Harry: Oh, to shed my skin like this snake and swim in the dark void beyond….

[But just then…]

Harry: Is…is it over? Am I back to reality?

Dumbledore: Yes, everything’s alright now.

Harry: Hooray! My angel has saved me again!

Dumbledore: Yes, I did. And don’t you forget it.

[Many other witches and wizards enter, including Cornelius Fudge]

Fudge: Dumbledore, Dumbledore, is it true that You-Know-Who was here?

Dumbledore: Yes, yes it is. You’ll also find several of his followers being detained downstairs.

Fudge: I see. Well, that matters little. You, sir, are a fugitive, and thus I will have to take you in.

Dumbledore: As if your men could defeat me. Honestly, haven’t I proven that I’m too awesome to detain?

Fudge: Fair point. But…what exactly happened here? And what the hell is Harry Potter doing here at a time like this?!

Dumbledore: I will explain it all later. In the meantime, Harry, have an unauthorized portkey that you can use you return to school!

Harry: Wow, you’re the best, Dumbledore!

Fudge: But that’s illegal!

Dumbledore: Yeah, whatever. By the way, get that evil woman Umbridge out of my school.

Fudge: Of course…anything!

Harry: Wow, Dumbledore! You really are my savior!

Dumbledore: Why are you still here? Get back to school already!

Harry: …Alright, then.

[Harry teleports back to Hogwarts]

Comments

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

I don't think Albus did "win" a duel with Grindelwald, in the sense of defeating him in combat. I think he went to Gellert as a friend, and Gellert either surrendered to him because his armies were already defeated but he refused to surrender to anyone (Jodel's theory, I think); or Albus zapped him in the back after greeting him as an old comrade.

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

I agree - or last possibility - however, less likely - Gellert still 'loved' Albus and couldn't stand to hurt him. I suppose he also might have thought Albus still agreed with his ideas and so wasn't there to duel him? It would be interesting if Albus merely snatched the wand from him. - an echo of Harry/Draco, ust with the actual elder wand.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

I think I'll make that my headcanon from now on: Albus came to Gellert as a friend, got him off-guard by approaching him with out-stratched arms as if for an embrace, then snatched the Elder Wand out of his hand, thereby becoming its master. Gellert's forces were already effectively defeated and he was tired of the whole business, so he surrendered quietly. Albus later made sure his quarters in Nurmengard were quite pleasant and full of books and whatnot.