Harry Potter Abridged! OotP Chapter 36

[sweettalkeress.livejournal.com]

Harry: So…does this mean Sirius is dead? He’s really gone for good?

Lupin: Yes, it does.

Harry: AAAAAAAAH! NOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM?! HOW WILL I GO ON?! MY LIFE IS COMPLETELY EMPTY AND RUINED WITHOUT HIM!

Lupin: That’s just the grief talking. Or rather, capslocking.

Harry: HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Lupin: Because you’re the main character and therefore you’ll pull through.

Neville: Say, Harry, just who was that man?

Harry: It’s none of your business, Navel!

Neville: [Buries face in hands] You’re hopeless.

Lupin: Now that you’re here, where are the others?

Neville: Well Hermione’s unconscious somehow, and Ron’s slowly being throttled by an evil brain, but other than that, I think they’re alright!

[Just then, Bellatrix comes in, dueling Kingsley!]

Harry: IT’S HER! SHE KILLED SIRIUS! NOW SHE MUST PAY! [Looses himself from Lupin’s grip]

Lupin: This is not going to end well.

[Harry chases Bellatrix into the room with the brains]

Bellatrix: You honestly think you can challenge me? That’s a laugh.

[She casts a spell that smashes the case with the brains, and they begin to swarm around Harry]

Harry: Ooh! Will they make me smarter?

[They start attempting to grab him]

Harry: …Never mind....

[He picks himself up and runs after Bellatrix again, this time catching an elevator that takes him up to the main floor]

Harry: Well at least I’m rid of all that weird and creepy stuff down below! Hopefully this fight will be a bit more normal from now on!

[He finds Bellatrix waiting for him]

Bellatrix: Surprise!

Harry: Aha! I’ve got you now!

Bellatrix: Oh, really?

[She aims another spell at Harry, forcing him to duck behind the statue in the fountain]

Bellatrix: You honestly think you can hide from me behind that thing?

Harry: No. But I know I can make you suffer! Crucio!

Bellatrix: Ha! That power does not work on me because I can tell you don’t really mean it! You have to mean to cause pain, see!

Harry: Oh, really! I’ll keep that in mind for next time.

Bellatrix: Wait…you’re still considering using this most evil of curses that can drive its victims insane?

Harry: Maybe. Maybe not.

Bellatrix: …Never mind. Here, I’ll show you how it’s done! Crucio!

[Harry is just able to duck behind the statue, causing Bellatrix to blow the centaur’s arm off instead]

Bellatrix: Huh. I didn’t know it could do that. No matter! I’m still much stronger than you are! I could kill you any time I want!

Harry: Oh, no you couldn’t! You’ve underestimated me! Stupefy!

Bellatrix: Protego!

[This time, the goblin loses an ear]

Harry: What? How can these spells that have nothing to do with blowing up inanimate objects blow up inanimate objects in this way?!

Bellatrix: I’m as confused by it as you are. Oh, well! Give me the prophecy and I might even spare your life. Maybe!

Harry: Oh, that prophecy? It’s been destroyed.

Bellatrix: What?

Harry: It smashed in the last chapter.

Bellatrix: No! How could it?!

Harry: It did!

Bellatrix: HOW DARE YOU!? I WAS GIVEN EXPLICIT ORDERS TO GET IT FOR MY MASTER!

Harry: Ow! You capslocking is giving me a headache! Oh, wait, that’s my scar.

Voldemort: Lord Voldemort has arrived! Bwahahahaha!

Harry and Bellatrix: WHAT?!

Bellatrix: Master, I’m so sorry the prophecy was smashed!

Voldemort: Whatever. Now that you have brought Harry Potter to me, it will be simple for me to finish him off! Avada Kedavra!

[But before the attack can hit Harry, one of the statues jumps in front of him, and the spell cannot penetrate it]

Harry: Hooray! Now the inanimate objects in the setting are coming to my rescue because I’m just that awesome!

Voldemort: I can’t believe I’m being foiled by a broken-down statue! Me!

Dumbledore: Hello Tom Rid!

Voldemort: Oh, it’s you. That explains it. And my name is not Tom Rid!

Dumbledore: Well it used to be. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Voldemort: That’s Tom Riddle to you, and anyway I no longer go by that name! Or have you honestly forgotten that?

Dumbledore: Whatever, Tommy. Run along home if you want to avoid getting arrested by the aurors.

Voldemort: Run away?! From you?! I don’t think so! Avada Kedavra!

[Dumbledore is able to evade the curse, which instead sets a desk behind him on fire]

Voldemort: WHAT?! How in the hell could this super-powerful killing curse miss its target?!

Dumbledore: Don’t take it personally, Tiny Tom, I’m just so awesome I bend the rules of the universe around my amazing specialness.

Voldemort: Aaaargh you are so infuriating!

Dumbledore: I know. It’s my best quality. [He aims a spell at Voldemort, but Voldemort easily deflects it]

Voldemort: That was pathetic! Why won’t you attempt to use the killing curse on me? Are you too noble?

Dumbledore: It’s not that I’m too noble, it’s just that there are other ways of destroying you that are even better!

Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?

Dumbledore: I’m not going to tell you that—if I did it would spoil the fun!

Voldemort: Well…two can play at that game, you know! I’ve invented so many horrible ways of killing people--!

Dumbledore: Whoever said anything about killing?

Voldemort: Ah…didn’t you say you were going to destroy me?

Dumbledore: Well yes, but not kill you.

Voldemort: What could be worse than killing me, though?

Dumbledore: There are worse things than death.

Voldemort: Oh, yeah? Like what?! …Wait a minute, why are we having a philosophical discussion when we’re supposed to be fighting?! Take this! Avada Kedavra!

[This time his attack’s blocked by the centaur statue]

Voldemort: These damn statues!

[Dumbledore creates a fiery rope with his wand, which Voldemort transforms into a snake]

Voldemort: While you’re distracted…Avada Kedavra!

Fawkes: To the rescue! [Eats Voldemort’s spell]

Voldemort: That damn bird! Dumbledore, it’s not a fair fight unless you face me one on one, brawn against brawn!

Dumbledore: It’s not my fault you’ve got no friends to hide behind!

[He encases Voldemort in the fountain’s water, but unfortunately Harry’s scar is getting worse, and he feels like he’s bound to a snake]

Harry: Oh, to shed my skin like this snake and swim in the dark void beyond….

[But just then…]

Harry: Is…is it over? Am I back to reality?

Dumbledore: Yes, everything’s alright now.

Harry: Hooray! My angel has saved me again!

Dumbledore: Yes, I did. And don’t you forget it.

[Many other witches and wizards enter, including Cornelius Fudge]

Fudge: Dumbledore, Dumbledore, is it true that You-Know-Who was here?

Dumbledore: Yes, yes it is. You’ll also find several of his followers being detained downstairs.

Fudge: I see. Well, that matters little. You, sir, are a fugitive, and thus I will have to take you in.

Dumbledore: As if your men could defeat me. Honestly, haven’t I proven that I’m too awesome to detain?

Fudge: Fair point. But…what exactly happened here? And what the hell is Harry Potter doing here at a time like this?!

Dumbledore: I will explain it all later. In the meantime, Harry, have an unauthorized portkey that you can use you return to school!

Harry: Wow, you’re the best, Dumbledore!

Fudge: But that’s illegal!

Dumbledore: Yeah, whatever. By the way, get that evil woman Umbridge out of my school.

Fudge: Of course…anything!

Harry: Wow, Dumbledore! You really are my savior!

Dumbledore: Why are you still here? Get back to school already!

Harry: …Alright, then.

[Harry teleports back to Hogwarts]

Comments

[oryx_leucoryx]

Hmm. How does Lily's spell-reflecting protection apply to mental attacks? In GOF, when Voldemort Imperios Harry to bow there is no reflection. And when Voldemort sees into Harry's mind Harry doesn't always see into Voldemort's.

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I would call it 'spell-reflecting'. It doesn't reflect all spell from him - not even all of Voldy's. It protects him from dying - maybe just from Voldy killing hom. It burns Quirrel, who at that point is trying to choke him, but he had Voldy inside him.

But it is also possible that her protection is what stings/shocks (unclear exactly what) Vernon when HE tried to choke Harry. I'm sorry, I forget which book. Of course, it's also possibly accidental magic on Harry's part. Unknown.

It's possible that Voldy was wrong and thought it prevented him from touching Harry when it only did so because he was trying to kill him at the time? But Lily's protection was supposed to still be working until Harry turned 17 - or at least the wards on Privet Drive were, which were tied to that protection.

But plenty of spells were cast at Harry that did not reflect, including Quirrel's broom hex - altho' I suppose that really was cast on the broom, not Harry. But if all spells reflected, then Poppy could never heal Harry.

In other words, the protection did not help against mental attacks at all.

My personal theory on Harry's resistance to imperio is that we are supposed to believe that he was so unused to feeling happy that the 'bliss' of imperio feels especially foreign to him compared to other people. And so he was able to recognize it was happening easier.

Hence also the reason Snape thought Harry ought to do well with occlumency when JKR says that Harry probably would never have gotten it due to his emotions. Snape thought Harry 'knew' his own mind better than most and would recognize the foreign mind in his own.

Of course, I find this a bit suspect as we are also supposed to believe that Harry has a happy enough thought to cast a patronus, but I suppose 'bliss' is not required for that.

[jana-ch.livejournal.com]

I think Harry was able to cast a Patronus and resist Imperio because he’s Uniquely Heroic and therefore better at special important magic tricks than ordinary people. He didn’t learn Occlumency from Snape because Snape is a mean, rotten, greasy teacher, but in Book Seven when he absolutely has to know Occlumency, he spontaneously learns it on his own because he’s just that Uniquely Heroic.

This, of course, undermines the “Average Guy as Hero” trope that JKR is so determined to maintain that she never allows Harry to grow and develop into anything beyond a lazy, mediocre schoolboy. Consistency? We don’t need no effing consistency!

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

I was not under the impression that Harry EVER succeeded with occlumency.

Perhaps I'm misremembering, but I had more the feeling that instead Voldy quit trying to send Harry anything.

I attribute this to Snape convincing him that continuing to send Harry messages would result in a closer connection where Harry would be able to peek in at any time unnoticed without Voldy knowing. And in the end, that's more or less how Harry found out about Voldy wanting/taking the Elder Wand.

Less that Harry succeeds at anything - more that Voldy goofs.

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

I don't have the book at hand, hwyla, but I can paraphrase it for you: after Dobby died and they started digging a Proper Grave for him, Harry had stirrings of VoldieVision where Bella and co. were getting their asses thrashed for letting the trio slip from Malfoy Manor (frankly, this time I'm on Voldemort's side, it was stupid of the DEs), but he was soooo overcome with grief (like he did for Sirius when V tried to possess him in the Ministry) he was able to push Voldemort back, et voila, he has Occlumency on his side now.

I don't know if Snape would be laughing in irony for this, but it's possible. ;-)

[hwyla.livejournal.com]

But Voldy wasn't even trying to send anything to Harry - so I don't count that as 'real' occlumency. And Harry is hardly an expert to know if he was really succeeding or Voldy just became a bit bored and so the connection was lost. I remember being highly skeptical at the time I read it. I figured he would become over confident, thinking he had succeeded when he had not.

Of course it didn't happen and I suppose JKR forgot all about telling us that Harry would never be good at occlumency because unlike Draco, he 'feels' too much. And apparently Occlumens are cold-unfeeling folk.

[vermouth1991.livejournal.com]

Ahem, I doubt that *anything* Harry learnt from Voldemort's mind in DH was purposefully sent by Voldemort... so it's a moot point from the get go.