Harry Potter Abridged! DH Chapter 36
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deathtocapslockLAST CHAPTER OF THE BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
[Harry reawakens to find himself lying face-down on the forest floor]
Bellatrix: Daddy Dark Lord! Are you alright?!
Voldemort: Yes, yes, I’m fine. Assuming Harry Potter’s dead, that is. [Pause] Narcissa Malfoy, go to Harry Potter’s corpse and make sure he’s really dead.
Bellatrix: Can’t you do it yourself?
Voldemort: Do I have to? That requires effort!
Narcissa: There’s no need for that—I’ll do it.
[Narcissa comes over to Harry and put her head beside his ear]
Narcissa: Tell me, is my son still alive?
Harry: Yes.
Voldemort: Narcissa, what are you doing?
Narcissa: [Begins vigorously petting Harry] Ooooooh, yes—I love corpse so muuuuuuch. Aaaaaaaaah, that’s goooooooooooood!
Voldemort: I didn’t know you were a neckphilac. [Pause] But, I suppose this is enough to convince me. Harry Potter is dead! My greatest obstacle, dead!
Death Eaters: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Voldemort: And now I must go to the castle and announce my triumph to all those still alive at Hogwarts. Unbind Hagrid so he can transport the body.
Hagrid: Right away, Sir!
[Hagrid grabs Harry by the ankle and begins to drag him toward the castle]
Harry: [thinking to himself] Oh, fuck no. This can’t be happening.
Hagrid: I just can’t believe that the Chosen One is really dead. If I had both arms I’d be able to carry him, but such as it is….
Harry: [to self] ffuuuuuuuuuuffffff….
[After what seems like ages, Hagrid stops in his tracks, and lays Harry down on his side, so he can see the castle if he opens his eyes just a little]
Voldemort: Hello there, all you denizens of Hogwarts! I’ll have you know that I’ve successfully killed Harry Potter. See? Right here by my feet! There’s your Chosen One, little more than a disheveled rag! Stone dead forever! Now, bow before me like the great Dark Lord I am!
[For a few moments there’s a pause, until suddenly…]
Neville: No! This battle isn’t over! I’ll never bow before you—I’ll resist as long as I live!
Voldemort: Well, by the looks of things that won’t be very long. Who are you?
Neville: I’m Neville Longbottom, freedom fighter extraordinaire!
Voldemort: You? Navel Longbottom? The son of those two aurors? Ha! You are going to die like a dog or live like a slave. Those are your only options.
Neville: Oh, yeah? Do your worst!
Voldemort: Alright. I think I’ll demonstrate my might by burning that outdated Sorting Hat in the name of pointless destruction.
[Voldemort summons the Sorting Hat, sets it upon Neville’s head, and sets both on fire]
Harry: Now’s my chance! [He pulls the Invisibility Cloak out of his pocket and throws it over himself] I’ll save you, Navel!
Voldemort: What was that? [Looks down at his feet] He’s gone! Harry Potter disappeared into thin air! How did that happen?!
[In the next instant, Neville breaks free of Voldemort’s spell and grabs Nagini]
Neville: Aha! I’ve got your precious snake now! [Cuts Nagini’s head off]
Voldemort: [Clutches crotch] Owwww…that really hurts!
Neville: Oh, and my name? It’s Neville. Don’t you ever call me Navel again!
[The fighting resumes. Voldemort disappears into the castle, and Harry follows to see that Charlie, Slughorn, and even the house-elves have joined the fray]
Kreacher: This one’s for my true love, Regulus Black!
[Harry notices Bellatrix aim a killing curse at Ginny]
Harry: Oh, no! Thank goodness my future wife got out of the way!
Molly Weasley: AAAAGH! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK MY DAUGHTER YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!
Bellatrix: Who are you?
Molly Weasley: I’m Molly Weasley, that’s who! I’ll fight you to the death, I will! I’ll fight you for honor! For splendor! For family!
[The two women begin fighting with one another. When the fighting stops, Bellatrix has been killed]
Molly Weasley: I’ve always wanted to do that.
Voldemort: Alas, poor Bellatrix. I’m going to miss your endearingly awful attempts to be my personal daddy’s girl. Oh, well.
[Voldemort raises his wand to attack Molly Weasley, but Harry whips off the Invisibility Cloak and goes to face him instead]
Everyone: Harry Potter’s alive?!
Harry: Yes I am alive, and I’ve come to destroy Voldemort once and for all! This is my duty as the Chosen One!
Voldemort: Your duty? Don’t make me laugh! You’re a lazy, stupid little coward who never got anywhere in life except through the support of other people!
Harry: I can let those remarks about my being lazy and stupid pass, but to call me a coward is unforgivable. Now, let’s end this.
Voldemort: You honestly expect to beat me now, when you don’t have any more magical shields you could make use of?
Harry: As a matter of fact I do. I was willing to kill myself on instruction for the chance to beat you; therefore I gained the unique ability to beat you after all.
Voldemort: What kind of sense does that make?!
Harry: Sense enough for me!
Voldemort: This wouldn’t have something to do with love, would it?
Harry: Well, why not? It’s not like you could ever understand love.
Voldemort: I don’t need love anyway—all I need is power.
Harry: I knew you’d say that. But, because I’m such a merciful, magnanimous Chosen One, I’ll give you the opportunity to try for some remorse anyway.
Voldemort: But that would be haaaaaaaaard.
Harry: I thought so. By the way, I’m the master of the Elder Wand, not you.
Voldemort: What?! Where did this come from?!
Harry: Well, I know you killed Snape because you thought he was the master of the wand, and by killing him you’d become its master, but you see, Draco was the one who disarmed Dumbledore last book, so in reality he became master of the Elder Wand, and I’m the one who most recently disarmed him. Therefore the Elder Wand is mine!
Voldemort: I don’t understand a word you just said.
Harry: And I don’t have to make you understand, because either way, I’m the master of the Elder Wand, and the one who will defeat you!
Voldemort: Let’s put that to the test. Avada kedavra!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
[Voldemort fires his spell at Harry, but it backfires, and hits him instead]
Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?! [Dies]
Harry: See?! I win after all!
[Now that Voldemort is dead, people begin the process of cleaning and rebuilding the castle and the world at large]
Harry: Oh, look—nobody’s sitting according to House anymore. Oh well—all I want to do is go and sleep. None of this consoling or explaining for the Chosen One!
Luna: I’ll create a diversion so you can escape.
Harry: Wow, Luna—you’re the greatest!
Luna: Look, everybody—the Slytherins are back!
Hogwarts constitutents: They are?! [Turn their heads to look]
[Harry puts on the Invisibility Cloak and runs away]
Ron and Hermione: Harry, Harry! Take us with you too!
[They climb up the stairs to the Headmaster’s office]
Ron: So, we did it. We defeated the bad guy and secured peace.
Harry: You mean I defeated the bad guy and secured peace.
Ron and Hermione: [Sigh]
Hermione: If you say so….
[In the office, all the portraits are back, and they congratulate Harry]
Phineas Nigellus: Did the Slytherins make any meaningful contributions?
Harry: Nope! Every single one of those slimeballs turned traitor! [Pause] Well, except Slutborn, that is.
Phineas Nigellus: Oh, honestly….
[But Harry only has eyes for the Dumbledore portrait]
Harry: Oh, Dumbledore, my precious angel, the light of my life! I’ll have you know that I dropped off the ring in the forest where I’m quite sure nobody will go looking for it. But…what should I do with the Elder Wand?
Dumbledore: You could always use it to fix your old wand.
Harry: An excellent idea! [Does so] Now I never have to use this old relic again! Its mastery will die with me! Well…assuming I never have to fight anyone…or get disarmed in any way…. But I’m sure it will die with me anyway, because…I’m the Chosen One?
Ron: Well it makes as much sense as anything.
Harry: Now that that’s settled, I’m going to Gryffindor Tower to sleep. Tell Kreacher to get in the kitchen and fetch me a sandwich.
Hermione: [glumly] Anything you say, O Chosen One.
[Harry reawakens to find himself lying face-down on the forest floor]
Bellatrix: Daddy Dark Lord! Are you alright?!
Voldemort: Yes, yes, I’m fine. Assuming Harry Potter’s dead, that is. [Pause] Narcissa Malfoy, go to Harry Potter’s corpse and make sure he’s really dead.
Bellatrix: Can’t you do it yourself?
Voldemort: Do I have to? That requires effort!
Narcissa: There’s no need for that—I’ll do it.
[Narcissa comes over to Harry and put her head beside his ear]
Narcissa: Tell me, is my son still alive?
Harry: Yes.
Voldemort: Narcissa, what are you doing?
Narcissa: [Begins vigorously petting Harry] Ooooooh, yes—I love corpse so muuuuuuch. Aaaaaaaaah, that’s goooooooooooood!
Voldemort: I didn’t know you were a neckphilac. [Pause] But, I suppose this is enough to convince me. Harry Potter is dead! My greatest obstacle, dead!
Death Eaters: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Voldemort: And now I must go to the castle and announce my triumph to all those still alive at Hogwarts. Unbind Hagrid so he can transport the body.
Hagrid: Right away, Sir!
[Hagrid grabs Harry by the ankle and begins to drag him toward the castle]
Harry: [thinking to himself] Oh, fuck no. This can’t be happening.
Hagrid: I just can’t believe that the Chosen One is really dead. If I had both arms I’d be able to carry him, but such as it is….
Harry: [to self] ffuuuuuuuuuuffffff….
[After what seems like ages, Hagrid stops in his tracks, and lays Harry down on his side, so he can see the castle if he opens his eyes just a little]
Voldemort: Hello there, all you denizens of Hogwarts! I’ll have you know that I’ve successfully killed Harry Potter. See? Right here by my feet! There’s your Chosen One, little more than a disheveled rag! Stone dead forever! Now, bow before me like the great Dark Lord I am!
[For a few moments there’s a pause, until suddenly…]
Neville: No! This battle isn’t over! I’ll never bow before you—I’ll resist as long as I live!
Voldemort: Well, by the looks of things that won’t be very long. Who are you?
Neville: I’m Neville Longbottom, freedom fighter extraordinaire!
Voldemort: You? Navel Longbottom? The son of those two aurors? Ha! You are going to die like a dog or live like a slave. Those are your only options.
Neville: Oh, yeah? Do your worst!
Voldemort: Alright. I think I’ll demonstrate my might by burning that outdated Sorting Hat in the name of pointless destruction.
[Voldemort summons the Sorting Hat, sets it upon Neville’s head, and sets both on fire]
Harry: Now’s my chance! [He pulls the Invisibility Cloak out of his pocket and throws it over himself] I’ll save you, Navel!
Voldemort: What was that? [Looks down at his feet] He’s gone! Harry Potter disappeared into thin air! How did that happen?!
[In the next instant, Neville breaks free of Voldemort’s spell and grabs Nagini]
Neville: Aha! I’ve got your precious snake now! [Cuts Nagini’s head off]
Voldemort: [Clutches crotch] Owwww…that really hurts!
Neville: Oh, and my name? It’s Neville. Don’t you ever call me Navel again!
[The fighting resumes. Voldemort disappears into the castle, and Harry follows to see that Charlie, Slughorn, and even the house-elves have joined the fray]
Kreacher: This one’s for my true love, Regulus Black!
[Harry notices Bellatrix aim a killing curse at Ginny]
Harry: Oh, no! Thank goodness my future wife got out of the way!
Molly Weasley: AAAAGH! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK MY DAUGHTER YOU FUCKING PSYCHO!
Bellatrix: Who are you?
Molly Weasley: I’m Molly Weasley, that’s who! I’ll fight you to the death, I will! I’ll fight you for honor! For splendor! For family!
[The two women begin fighting with one another. When the fighting stops, Bellatrix has been killed]
Molly Weasley: I’ve always wanted to do that.
Voldemort: Alas, poor Bellatrix. I’m going to miss your endearingly awful attempts to be my personal daddy’s girl. Oh, well.
[Voldemort raises his wand to attack Molly Weasley, but Harry whips off the Invisibility Cloak and goes to face him instead]
Everyone: Harry Potter’s alive?!
Harry: Yes I am alive, and I’ve come to destroy Voldemort once and for all! This is my duty as the Chosen One!
Voldemort: Your duty? Don’t make me laugh! You’re a lazy, stupid little coward who never got anywhere in life except through the support of other people!
Harry: I can let those remarks about my being lazy and stupid pass, but to call me a coward is unforgivable. Now, let’s end this.
Voldemort: You honestly expect to beat me now, when you don’t have any more magical shields you could make use of?
Harry: As a matter of fact I do. I was willing to kill myself on instruction for the chance to beat you; therefore I gained the unique ability to beat you after all.
Voldemort: What kind of sense does that make?!
Harry: Sense enough for me!
Voldemort: This wouldn’t have something to do with love, would it?
Harry: Well, why not? It’s not like you could ever understand love.
Voldemort: I don’t need love anyway—all I need is power.
Harry: I knew you’d say that. But, because I’m such a merciful, magnanimous Chosen One, I’ll give you the opportunity to try for some remorse anyway.
Voldemort: But that would be haaaaaaaaard.
Harry: I thought so. By the way, I’m the master of the Elder Wand, not you.
Voldemort: What?! Where did this come from?!
Harry: Well, I know you killed Snape because you thought he was the master of the wand, and by killing him you’d become its master, but you see, Draco was the one who disarmed Dumbledore last book, so in reality he became master of the Elder Wand, and I’m the one who most recently disarmed him. Therefore the Elder Wand is mine!
Voldemort: I don’t understand a word you just said.
Harry: And I don’t have to make you understand, because either way, I’m the master of the Elder Wand, and the one who will defeat you!
Voldemort: Let’s put that to the test. Avada kedavra!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
[Voldemort fires his spell at Harry, but it backfires, and hits him instead]
Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?! [Dies]
Harry: See?! I win after all!
[Now that Voldemort is dead, people begin the process of cleaning and rebuilding the castle and the world at large]
Harry: Oh, look—nobody’s sitting according to House anymore. Oh well—all I want to do is go and sleep. None of this consoling or explaining for the Chosen One!
Luna: I’ll create a diversion so you can escape.
Harry: Wow, Luna—you’re the greatest!
Luna: Look, everybody—the Slytherins are back!
Hogwarts constitutents: They are?! [Turn their heads to look]
[Harry puts on the Invisibility Cloak and runs away]
Ron and Hermione: Harry, Harry! Take us with you too!
[They climb up the stairs to the Headmaster’s office]
Ron: So, we did it. We defeated the bad guy and secured peace.
Harry: You mean I defeated the bad guy and secured peace.
Ron and Hermione: [Sigh]
Hermione: If you say so….
[In the office, all the portraits are back, and they congratulate Harry]
Phineas Nigellus: Did the Slytherins make any meaningful contributions?
Harry: Nope! Every single one of those slimeballs turned traitor! [Pause] Well, except Slutborn, that is.
Phineas Nigellus: Oh, honestly….
[But Harry only has eyes for the Dumbledore portrait]
Harry: Oh, Dumbledore, my precious angel, the light of my life! I’ll have you know that I dropped off the ring in the forest where I’m quite sure nobody will go looking for it. But…what should I do with the Elder Wand?
Dumbledore: You could always use it to fix your old wand.
Harry: An excellent idea! [Does so] Now I never have to use this old relic again! Its mastery will die with me! Well…assuming I never have to fight anyone…or get disarmed in any way…. But I’m sure it will die with me anyway, because…I’m the Chosen One?
Ron: Well it makes as much sense as anything.
Harry: Now that that’s settled, I’m going to Gryffindor Tower to sleep. Tell Kreacher to get in the kitchen and fetch me a sandwich.
Hermione: [glumly] Anything you say, O Chosen One.
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