OotP Chapter Thirty-Five

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*If I were a DE, I would have put everybody except Harry in a body bind right away. But that’s because I don’t understand the Dark Lord’s wisdom. And I’d want to get out of there and go home.

*Bellatrix is really annoying. Sad, really, because she could be scary, but she starts off with the baby talk and there’s nowhere to go. Voldemort’s plan with Sirius wasn’t that clever, Bellatrix. Calm yourself. ETA: Seriously, here I almost wouldn't mind Molly barging in and doing the action movie thing.

*Okay, Lucius says he knows Harry has a weakness for heroics. He also knows Harry thinks they have Sirius. So why does he say, "Give me the prophecy or we start using wands." Why doesn’t he, instead, say, "Give me the prophecy and Sirius will be safe." The DEs are like idiot children so eager to tell Harry he’s been tricked they lose their advantage. Poor Snape—is this why he left? ETA: NO HE LEFT BECAUSE OF LILEEEEEE!!

*But the DEs did not strike. Yeah, um, why not? Do they actually not like to hurt innocent people?

*Shut UP Bellatrix! Crazy/good; irritating/bad.

*Harry has no interest in the sphere. He just wants Sirius. Yet the DEs choose not to take advantage of this, and instead force him to fight for something he would have happily handed over. Too bad there are no people here who are supposed to have been sorted into a house for cunning. Oh wait...

*Remember when Draco tricked Harry and Ron out of their rooms for a duel so that they’d get caught and expelled in first year? I think that remains the absolute best evil plan in canon. ETA: It's official now. All the entries are in and Draco's plan wins.

*Come to think of it, Malfoy’s plans in general are beginning to look pretty smart by comparison. Draco for Dark Lord!

*Yesterday (eta: years ago) I was saying to somebody how I’d love to read an intelligent, gripping story of the Lucius/Snape friendship, possibly one they both thought was over when Snape defected, but was reborn through Draco being at school. I can’t help but think of it here, with Lucius trying to get a handle on his idiot colleague (never bring a woman on a serious mission) and yet still being unable to do the logical thing and use Sirius to get the prophesy. I can just imagine he and Snape bonding over the idiocy they are forced to live. ETA: What interesting Lucius/Snape friendship? They're friends because sometimes it helps the plot.

*"Do not play games, Potter," said Lucius. I get enough of that shit with Voldemort.

*Lucius helpfully takes time out of his secret mission to give us some exposition about the prophecy. Even though telling Harry about how nobody can take it off the shelf but him gives Harry some help. Oy.

*Apparently this mission is not at all time-sensitive. They’ve got all the time in the world to bicker, gloat and explain.

*Does Lucius feel silly wearing a mask since Harry knows who he is? I would.

*Bella’s reason for why the Dark Lord can’t just walk into the MoM and take the prophecy himself (which he’s gonna do in a minute) actually illustrates why he should have walked into the Ministry and taken it himself. If they’re sweetly ignoring his return they’d hardly be waiting for him, right? Do most people even know what he looks like? Could he not take some polyjuice? THIS IS THE DUMBEST PLAN EVER!

*Sorry about that outburst. The capslock is relentless in this chapter and apparently it’s catching. I’m surprised even the smashed prophecies aren’t yelling to be heard.

*Course, I’m also surprised 12 people can yell at each other and smash things in what’s supposed to be a well-guarded area without drawing any attention at all. It took more planning and discretion to get in and out of the Slytherin Common room for 20 minutes. ETA: And will take more planning and discretion to get into the MoM in DH. Voldemort for Minister: He'll Give The MOM Minimal Security!

*The Dark Lord knows Harry is "not unintell—" Good choice of words there, Lucius. He knows, as the villain, that he's required to show respect for Our Hero because he's a worthy opponent etc. (it's in his contract). He can’t quite make himself say Harry is smart but, in this universe, he’s not unintell.

*Lucius may have been saying that the Dark Lord knew Harry was "not unintelligible", in admiration of the capslock.

*There’s something so wonderful about the fact that Harry’s prophecy is so important but prophesies about other people can be destroyed willy-nilly. Not that I think that’s such a loss—prophesies seem to always be more trouble than they’re worth, and it’s not like if you destroy them they don’t come true or not.

*Yeah, that makes this whole secret plan pretty much a waste of time from my pov. In case that wasn't already obvious.

*Nott has been seriously injured. If Theodore is expected to have a reaction to this, it could go either way. He could decide he hates the DEs for leaving his father instead of helping him or Nott may now have a death wish for Harry and his friends. ETA: Nott who? Why would he come up? Nobody has reactions to anything Harry does unless the plot needs them to have one.

*Thanks again to Lucius for not only speaking so that everybody can hear him, but for calling everybody by their name so we know exactly who is where. Why do DEs wear masks again? Oh right, because they impair vision.

*Hermione just narrowly escaped the killing curse. Makes me wonder about the Potters, who both seemed to have choked when the wand was pointed at them. ETA: Hermione misses another one in DH, doesn't she? In the RoR?

*Wizarding fighting seems to completely depend on who can shout words faster, and the DEs always lose. Training must involve a lot of tongue twisters drills. ETA: Unless you're doing the soon-to-be-introduced-but-it-hasn't-been-yet-so-the-bad-guys-won't-use-it-consistently Worldless Magic.

*Hermione's bizarre code of ethics appears again: a DE whose head has been stuck into something that makes it look like a baby is no longer a DE. ETA: This is obviously foreshadowing of one of the future lesson that learning to enjoy the hurt of things that look like babies is the highest form of moral development.

*Hermione’s buried in books. Very symbolic yadda yadda yadda.

*Neville, carrying Hermione, insists on coming with Harry blah blah blah. Lucius’ "Leave Nott because the mission is more important," suddenly sounds fairly noble. At least it wasn’t all the DEs refusing to take him to safety because they’d miss out on the heroics. How effective in a fight can Neville be with the dead weight of Hermione on him? Is she going to be a shield? (Note that in fanon, she would be levitated by now.)

*Also, I just now realize it’s nice that the DE’s instinct was apparently to care for Nott. ETA: And by nice I mean cowardly.

*Ginny’s injury is the coolest. Look at her bravely grimacing and pale with her broken ankle (she didn’t just twist it in a girlie way) while Ron lurches around like an idiot.

*How skinny are wands? Luna’s got hers behind her ear, and Parvati uses hers to curl her eyelashes.

*Harry helps Ron just as he had helped Dudley. Remember the beginning of the book and how Harry was heroic and helped his cousin? Okay, then we can go on.

*Villains never have good aim.

*The DEs politely stop and watch Ron attack himself with a brain rather than using Harry’s distraction to their own advantage.

*To the DE who hit Ginny in the face with something—what’s your favorite flower because I’m sending a bouquet. ETA: Should I be frightened that I just totally stole Draco's line in HBP that I hadn't yet read at the time?

*Harry and Neville are the only two left fighting the DEs. Those prophecy boys are Hard To Kill.

*Again Harry actually offers to GIVE the DEs the prophecy, and they refuse.

*Neville arrives to be brave again. We get it.

*Lucius finally agrees to take the prophecy from Harry’s willing hands—just as the Order shows up! That was unexpected!

*Lupin, Sirius, Moody, Tonks and Kingsley (but not Snape) arrive wearing buttons reading Dramatic Reversal. They put down the shopping bags containing the groceries they stopped to buy on the way over, which is why it took them so bloody long.

*Apparently, none of them thought to alert anyone in the Ministry, even though as Aurors you’d think they’d be listened to. I guess they knew how important it was to the kids that they do this themselves.

*The Order is now raining spells down on the DEs, because they’re allowed to fight like grown-ups and the DEs aren’t.

*Neville thinks Ron is okay, since he was fighting the brain when he left. Um, wasn’t the brain suffocating him before? So the brain isn’t dangerous? (Alternately, Ron-fans hope Ron is receiving Special Powers from the brain because dammit, why can’t Ron have Special Powers? ETA: Suck it, Ron fans.)

*Sirius and his DE are dueling so fiercely their wands are blurred. Why weren’t the DEs this fast when they were fighting a bunch of kids? And btw, I’m not sure why the wands are blurred. It’s not like sword fighting; you point the thing and yell. The complicated wand movements disappeared books ago.

*Oh, apparently it is like sword fighting now, because sword fighting is cooler, and it makes Sirius seem more like Errol Flynn.

*Is it possible somebody put some sort of spell on Harry and his friends so that no matter how competent the person is proving himself to be two feet away, they’ll be sure to sink to their level when they're the target?

*Dumbledore shows up and apparently everybody is saved. I assume he was just biding his time giving Neville and Harry enough time to prove themselves before he stepped in. He’s such a great teacher.

*Sirius falls through the veil in mid-taunt. Harry feels one of those surges of affection where someone he barely thinks about unless he needs him becomes someone he loves deeply because THE UNIVERSE HAS TAKEN THEM AWAY!

*Lupin tries to jump through the veil after Sirius, and is dragged back by Tonks, thrashing and wailing he has no reason to live now that he’s lost the love of his life again after they’d just reconnected and resumed their regular tender lovemaking.

*Oops. Actually Lupin calmly holds Harry back and tells him Sirius is gone without even an adverb to suggest emotion.

ETA: Again, very funny that I wrote that whole Tonks dragging Lupin away there when I wrote that pre-HBP. Of course I know now that what would happen was Tonks would drag Lupin away and he'd sit fretfully for a while, then he'd jump through the veil anyway and she'd jump after him.



Exploitation Filmmakers’ Credo (n): "Come on, these dummies can’t remember what they saw five minutes ago!"
How many times will Harry offer the prophecy before they accept it?

Hero’s Death Battle Exemption
Even with the handy excuse that the DEs are trying to protect the prophecy which gets destroyed anyway, it applies to Neville big time. It also applies everytime a DE manages to miss his/her target.

IITS
Why don’t the DEs just body bind everyone but Harry in this first second? Why don’t they let Harry give them the prophecy the first 4 times he’s ready to hand it over? Why do they suck so very very much?

Idiot Picture
Oh, it doesn’t get more Idiot Picture than this.

Idiot World
You know that cute commercial starring Maria Sharapova and her Pomeranian, Dolce? Dolce could outwit Voldemort and the DEs in less time than that commercial. ("No, YOU come on!")

Informed Attributes
The DEs are really scary and very skilled in the art of fighting.

James Bond Exposition Rule
Yes Lucius, I’m looking at you. Any other details about this year long plan you want to let us know about before you get caught?

Ken and Andrew’s Rule of Plot Holes
So I guess the security of the MoM is all asleep and the Order had to finish their game of Risk before they started out for the place.

Ken’s Rule of Guns
Counts for wands too.

McGuffin
Everybody really wants the prophecy...for some reason. But if it gets destroyed by accident it will make...no difference whatsoever.

Nut o’ Fun
There should be these, but I’m so tired of this place by now none of them hold my interest.

Superfluous Racking
I know Lucius doesn’t actually have a gun, but he’s symbolically racking one throughout this entire bloody chapter.

Final score: 16

Comments

Re: Part One

[savagedamsel10.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I love this idea! But it's too bad that this is the wizarding world because I so would have made a cheap joke about Voldemort chucking a screaming bitchfit over Crabbe Snr forgetting to take the lens cap off.